16 December 1999 Edition
Television: Christmas movies and millennial humbug
BY MARTIN SPAIN
Welcome to An Phoblacht's annual and highly selective trawl through some of the best and worst of this year's festive TV movie offerings. A quick word of warning. This reviewer harbours a blatant bias towards the Christmas celebrations at this time of year at the expense of all that pointless mularkey about the New Year, not to mention the so-called millennium. Readers are advised that the tone of the commentary may reflect this bias. Anyway, onwards!
Wednesday 22 December
As a kid, I used to like the Sunday World, because it had the best cartoons. Some would say the whole paper is now a comic, but one of the strips that I liked then was The Phantom. The 1996 movie of the same name (BBC1, 7pm) starring Billy Zane is harmless enough fantasy hokum that will keep the kids quiet. Fans of Billy Zane and Catherine Zeta-Jones apart, it doesn't do much to engage an adult audience, though.
Earlier in the afternoon, there is classic drama (BBC2 3pm) as the ever suave Gregory Peck gives an Oscar-winning performance in the 1962 version of the Harper Lee classic, To Kill a Mockingbird.
That night, Steve Martin and Diane Keaton are stranded in Father of the Bride II (RTE1 9.30pm), a really weak sequel to a remake. Give me Spencer Tracy's version any day. The film of the night has to be Jingle All the Way (UTV, 8pm. Also RTE1, 24 December, 7.45pm) starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, which I have not seen, but is supposed to be a real dog. It is seasonal, however, for those who need a Santy fix to get in the mood.
Thursday 23 December
The 1986 movie Critters (Channel 4, 11.05pm) is classic comic sci-fi hokum, the stars being the foot-tall obnoxious special effects creatures who eat everything in sight, including people.
For night owls, the 1983 romantic thriller, Breathless, starring Richard Gere (UTV, 12.50am) is surprisingly engrossing entertainment for grown ups.
Christmas Eve
Dudley Moore is one of those actors I could cheerfully have gone through life without ever hearing of, but the kids should enjoy Santa Claus - The Movie anyway (BBC1, 10.45am). Much better value for money is Jim Henson's 1992 classic, The Muppet Christmas Carol (UTV, 2.50pm), which has just one human character. The Great Gonzo takes on the role of Charles Dickens and Michael Caine plays Scrooge alongside Kermit, Miss Piggy and the rest. Less festive but still Muppet is Muppet Treasure Island (RTE1, 3.50pm). This time, Billy Connolly and Tim Curry get to ham it up with Miss Piggy and pals.
Our national station chooses to dust off Ben Hur for yet another year (RTE1, 1.15pm). Only for fans of the gun-loving Charlton Heston, whose political views fall somewhere to the right of the pre-vegetatite Ronald Reagan.
The 1969 comedy masterpiece, Some Like It Hot, is the evening must-see (BBC2, 6.10pm) starring Jack Lemmon, Tony Curtis and Marilyn Monroe. Cross-dressing has never been so much fun.
An entirely different mood permeates the 1962 thriller Cape Fear, (BBC2, 11.50pm) starring one of my all-time favourites, Robert Mitchum, as the cunning psychopath who, on his release from prison, terrorises lawyer Gregory Peck and his family. This is a far stronger and more frightening movie than the 1990s remake starring Robert De Niro and Nick Nolte.
Christmas Day
Andre, the story of a New England girl's attachment to an orphaned seal, (Channel 4, 9.30am) is sweet, heartwarming, and has great scenery. Kids will love it, but it might be as well to tape it for later, as at this hour they are unlikely to be watching TV. More probably, they'll be ripping wrapping paper, ruining your lie-in and asking you to assemble things, how many carrots you think Rudolph actually ate last night and why Santy didn't leave batteries for the expensive thingumyjig.
The Disney favourite, Pinnocchio (UTV, 12.05pm) has aged like a good wine, while 1954's White Christmas (BBC2, 3.15pm) with Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye will appeal to those who like to wallow in the sleighbells and holly experience. The 1996 live version of 101 Dalmations, starring Glenn Close as the evil Cruella De Ville, is the main offering of the national station (RTE1, 3.50pm).
I haven't seen Jumanji (BBC1, 4pm), but the trailers for this Robin Williams-led fantasy romp about people getting sucked into a strange board game looked like a lot of fun and seems to involve a lot of rampaging wildlife.
The Oscar-winning drama The Piano (8.15pm), starring Holly Hunter and Harvey Kietel, is TG4's major Christmas Day offering. Further adult entertainment (BBC2, 8.30pm) is provided by Il Postino, a gently-moving drama about an Italian postman and the exiled Chilean communist poet with whom he strikes up a friendship. The big movie of the day, however, is Neil Jordan's Michael Collins (RTE1, 9.05pm), starring Liam Neeson as the Big Fella and featuring a host of top-notch Irish talent, including Aidan Quinn as Harry Boland. Rows about historical accuracy aside, this is a great movie, full of pace and excitement.
St Stephens' Day
Pinnochio afficionados can catch another version of the fairytale in the 1996 live-action version of the story, starring Martin Landau as Gepetto. I saw this a few years back and really enjoyed it.
Children and adults will enjoy Matilda (BBC1, 2.45pm), the 1996 version of Roald Dahl's dark comedy about a girl with magic powers who gets her own back on some nasty adults, including Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman.
The Wizard of Oz continues RTE's policy of resurrecting annual fare (RTE1, 1.30pm). The same station inflicts Spice World on us at 6.55pm. starring Sporty, Ginger and the rest in a triumph of hype over quality.
Blockbuster evening action doesn't come much more effects-packed than Mission: Impossible (BBC1, 9pm), although I was disappointed with the storyline of this Tom Cruise vehicle. For those who prefer romantic to frantic, The English Patient (RTE1, 9.20pm) the 1996 tear-jerking romantic drama starring Ralph Fiennes and Kristen Scott-Thomas should provide multiple-tissue value.
Monday, 27 December
The Goonies (UTV, 3.20pm) is an above average family adventure film, as a group of children escape bad guys and search for pirate treasure. The 1994 live-action version of The Flintstones (BBC1, 3.40pm) should be worth seeing, if only for the Bedrock 2,000,000 BC sets and the talented John Goodman.
This seems to be vintage John Travolta day on RTE, as he pops up with Olivia Neutron Bomb in the dated but engagingly romantic musical Grease (RTE1, 1.10pm) and again later on in the gritty classic, Saturday Night Fever (Network 2, 10pm). Network 2 today shoulders the burden of the Christmas classics, with the obligatory Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory at 11.25am.
If you can't stand one Michael Keaton, then avoid Multiplicity (Channel 4, 9pm) at all costs, because there are no fewer than four of him running around in this comic tale of cloning and multiple personalities.
An increasingly rare movie commodity, the good hard-hitting 1981 political drama Missing (UTV, 1.05am), stars Jack Lemmon as a father searching for his missing son in Chile after Salvadore Allende's government was overthrown in the 1973 CIA-backed coup.
Tuesday, 28 December
Not-so-modern movies dominate the best of this post-Christmas-cold-turkey-and-the-last-of-the-pudding-not-quite-next-millennium-yet day. The Land That Time Forgot (RTE1, 1.35pm), either a satirical awipe at the Six Counties under unionist rule or a movie with lots of monsters, fulfills RTE's afternoon obligations. Casablanca (RTE 1, 11.35pm), starring Bogart and Bacall, may be old enough to have hair on it, but like The Sting (BBC2, 9pm), starring Redford and Newman, people never tire of watching it over and over.
Wednesday, 29 December
Raquel Welch portrays the harsh realities of life in the stone age, when fur-trimmed bikinis and spears were all one had to keep the dinosaurs at bay, in One Million Years BC (Channel 4, 12.20pm).
Uncle Buck (BBC1, 3pm) is an above average comedy starring the late great John Candy as the overweight uncle who engages in a battle of wits with his brother's children, while Steve Martin maintains the comic theme in the big-screen version of Sergeant Bilko (BBC1, 6pm). Goodfellas, Martin Scorsese's gangster epic (Network 2, 11.10pm), is perhaps the movie of the day.
Thursday, 30 December
Not much to say really. The big movie of the day is Schindler's List (RTE1, 9.35pm) starring our own Liam Neeson and Ben Kingsley in the Spielberg adaptation of a true story about a complex character who saved thousands of Jews from Nazi death camps during the Second World War. After such a weighty topic, Muriel's Wedding, a hilarious Australian comedy (Network 2, 12.35am), may be a good way to prepare for beddie byes.
Friday, 31 December
This promises to be a great day for millennium dissidents like myself. How to avoid the big non-event at home with a generous supply of shiraz or Best Belgian beer and lots of food featuring E numbers. Let's see, now. First step for the refusnik, avoid all the Hogmanay-extravaganza-we're-on-the-brink-of-something-amazing crapola. Instead, think pleasant thoughts of Y2K and revellers' planes plummeting to earth.
I can always whip up some anti-American feelings with the crass ``Life is like a box of chocolates'' philosophising of Forrest Gump (Network 2, 6.55pm). By the time that's over, my feelings of scornful superiority will be soaring, so, having ascertained that the millennium is unavoidable on TV, I'll make sure I have some videos in. Probably that 1950s' film about the Earth being destroyed by a comet and everyone fighting over who will get to escape on the only rocket to the Moon.
Saturday, 1 January
There you all are. It's the Year 2000, depending, of course, on you being Julian rather than Gregorian (or is that the other way around?), of Christian origin, and in a country affluent enough to be able to take time out to worry about such frivolities. And apart from a sore head, what's different about your new millennium. No, I want you to say it. All together now. That's right. Shag all!
But I want to end on a positive note, so beir bua, comrades. Remember, this is the Millennium of Victory!
Welcome to An Phoblacht's annual and highly selective trawl through some of the best and worst of this year's festive TV movie offerings. A quick word of warning. This reviewer harbours a blatant bias towards the Christmas celebrations at this time of year at the expense of all that pointless mularkey about the New Year, not to mention the so-called millennium. Readers are advised that the tone of the commentary may reflect this bias. Anyway, onwards!
Wednesday 22 December
As a kid, I used to like the Sunday World, because it had the best cartoons. Some would say the whole paper is now a comic, but one of the strips that I liked then was The Phantom. The 1996 movie of the same name (BBC1, 7pm) starring Billy Zane is harmless enough fantasy hokum that will keep the kids quiet. Fans of Billy Zane and Catherine Zeta-Jones apart, it doesn't do much to engage an adult audience, though.
Earlier in the afternoon, there is classic drama (BBC2 3pm) as the ever suave Gregory Peck gives an Oscar-winning performance in the 1962 version of the Harper Lee classic, To Kill a Mockingbird.
That night, Steve Martin and Diane Keaton are stranded in Father of the Bride II (RTE1 9.30pm), a really weak sequel to a remake. Give me Spencer Tracy's version any day. The film of the night has to be Jingle All the Way (UTV, 8pm. Also RTE1, 24 December, 7.45pm) starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, which I have not seen, but is supposed to be a real dog. It is seasonal, however, for those who need a Santy fix to get in the mood.
Thursday 23 December
The 1986 movie Critters (Channel 4, 11.05pm) is classic comic sci-fi hokum, the stars being the foot-tall obnoxious special effects creatures who eat everything in sight, including people.
For night owls, the 1983 romantic thriller, Breathless, starring Richard Gere (UTV, 12.50am) is surprisingly engrossing entertainment for grown ups.
Christmas Eve
Dudley Moore is one of those actors I could cheerfully have gone through life without ever hearing of, but the kids should enjoy Santa Claus - The Movie anyway (BBC1, 10.45am). Much better value for money is Jim Henson's 1992 classic, The Muppet Christmas Carol (UTV, 2.50pm), which has just one human character. The Great Gonzo takes on the role of Charles Dickens and Michael Caine plays Scrooge alongside Kermit, Miss Piggy and the rest. Less festive but still Muppet is Muppet Treasure Island (RTE1, 3.50pm). This time, Billy Connolly and Tim Curry get to ham it up with Miss Piggy and pals.
Our national station chooses to dust off Ben Hur for yet another year (RTE1, 1.15pm). Only for fans of the gun-loving Charlton Heston, whose political views fall somewhere to the right of the pre-vegetatite Ronald Reagan.
The 1969 comedy masterpiece, Some Like It Hot, is the evening must-see (BBC2, 6.10pm) starring Jack Lemmon, Tony Curtis and Marilyn Monroe. Cross-dressing has never been so much fun.
An entirely different mood permeates the 1962 thriller Cape Fear, (BBC2, 11.50pm) starring one of my all-time favourites, Robert Mitchum, as the cunning psychopath who, on his release from prison, terrorises lawyer Gregory Peck and his family. This is a far stronger and more frightening movie than the 1990s remake starring Robert De Niro and Nick Nolte.
Christmas Day
Andre, the story of a New England girl's attachment to an orphaned seal, (Channel 4, 9.30am) is sweet, heartwarming, and has great scenery. Kids will love it, but it might be as well to tape it for later, as at this hour they are unlikely to be watching TV. More probably, they'll be ripping wrapping paper, ruining your lie-in and asking you to assemble things, how many carrots you think Rudolph actually ate last night and why Santy didn't leave batteries for the expensive thingumyjig.
The Disney favourite, Pinnocchio (UTV, 12.05pm) has aged like a good wine, while 1954's White Christmas (BBC2, 3.15pm) with Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye will appeal to those who like to wallow in the sleighbells and holly experience. The 1996 live version of 101 Dalmations, starring Glenn Close as the evil Cruella De Ville, is the main offering of the national station (RTE1, 3.50pm).
I haven't seen Jumanji (BBC1, 4pm), but the trailers for this Robin Williams-led fantasy romp about people getting sucked into a strange board game looked like a lot of fun and seems to involve a lot of rampaging wildlife.
The Oscar-winning drama The Piano (8.15pm), starring Holly Hunter and Harvey Kietel, is TG4's major Christmas Day offering. Further adult entertainment (BBC2, 8.30pm) is provided by Il Postino, a gently-moving drama about an Italian postman and the exiled Chilean communist poet with whom he strikes up a friendship. The big movie of the day, however, is Neil Jordan's Michael Collins (RTE1, 9.05pm), starring Liam Neeson as the Big Fella and featuring a host of top-notch Irish talent, including Aidan Quinn as Harry Boland. Rows about historical accuracy aside, this is a great movie, full of pace and excitement.
St Stephens' Day
Pinnochio afficionados can catch another version of the fairytale in the 1996 live-action version of the story, starring Martin Landau as Gepetto. I saw this a few years back and really enjoyed it.
Children and adults will enjoy Matilda (BBC1, 2.45pm), the 1996 version of Roald Dahl's dark comedy about a girl with magic powers who gets her own back on some nasty adults, including Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman.
The Wizard of Oz continues RTE's policy of resurrecting annual fare (RTE1, 1.30pm). The same station inflicts Spice World on us at 6.55pm. starring Sporty, Ginger and the rest in a triumph of hype over quality.
Blockbuster evening action doesn't come much more effects-packed than Mission: Impossible (BBC1, 9pm), although I was disappointed with the storyline of this Tom Cruise vehicle. For those who prefer romantic to frantic, The English Patient (RTE1, 9.20pm) the 1996 tear-jerking romantic drama starring Ralph Fiennes and Kristen Scott-Thomas should provide multiple-tissue value.
Monday, 27 December
The Goonies (UTV, 3.20pm) is an above average family adventure film, as a group of children escape bad guys and search for pirate treasure. The 1994 live-action version of The Flintstones (BBC1, 3.40pm) should be worth seeing, if only for the Bedrock 2,000,000 BC sets and the talented John Goodman.
This seems to be vintage John Travolta day on RTE, as he pops up with Olivia Neutron Bomb in the dated but engagingly romantic musical Grease (RTE1, 1.10pm) and again later on in the gritty classic, Saturday Night Fever (Network 2, 10pm). Network 2 today shoulders the burden of the Christmas classics, with the obligatory Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory at 11.25am.
If you can't stand one Michael Keaton, then avoid Multiplicity (Channel 4, 9pm) at all costs, because there are no fewer than four of him running around in this comic tale of cloning and multiple personalities.
An increasingly rare movie commodity, the good hard-hitting 1981 political drama Missing (UTV, 1.05am), stars Jack Lemmon as a father searching for his missing son in Chile after Salvadore Allende's government was overthrown in the 1973 CIA-backed coup.
Tuesday, 28 December
Not-so-modern movies dominate the best of this post-Christmas-cold-turkey-and-the-last-of-the-pudding-not-quite-next-millennium-yet day. The Land That Time Forgot (RTE1, 1.35pm), either a satirical awipe at the Six Counties under unionist rule or a movie with lots of monsters, fulfills RTE's afternoon obligations. Casablanca (RTE 1, 11.35pm), starring Bogart and Bacall, may be old enough to have hair on it, but like The Sting (BBC2, 9pm), starring Redford and Newman, people never tire of watching it over and over.
Wednesday, 29 December
Raquel Welch portrays the harsh realities of life in the stone age, when fur-trimmed bikinis and spears were all one had to keep the dinosaurs at bay, in One Million Years BC (Channel 4, 12.20pm).
Uncle Buck (BBC1, 3pm) is an above average comedy starring the late great John Candy as the overweight uncle who engages in a battle of wits with his brother's children, while Steve Martin maintains the comic theme in the big-screen version of Sergeant Bilko (BBC1, 6pm). Goodfellas, Martin Scorsese's gangster epic (Network 2, 11.10pm), is perhaps the movie of the day.
Thursday, 30 December
Not much to say really. The big movie of the day is Schindler's List (RTE1, 9.35pm) starring our own Liam Neeson and Ben Kingsley in the Spielberg adaptation of a true story about a complex character who saved thousands of Jews from Nazi death camps during the Second World War. After such a weighty topic, Muriel's Wedding, a hilarious Australian comedy (Network 2, 12.35am), may be a good way to prepare for beddie byes.
Friday, 31 December
This promises to be a great day for millennium dissidents like myself. How to avoid the big non-event at home with a generous supply of shiraz or Best Belgian beer and lots of food featuring E numbers. Let's see, now. First step for the refusnik, avoid all the Hogmanay-extravaganza-we're-on-the-brink-of-something-amazing crapola. Instead, think pleasant thoughts of Y2K and revellers' planes plummeting to earth.
I can always whip up some anti-American feelings with the crass ``Life is like a box of chocolates'' philosophising of Forrest Gump (Network 2, 6.55pm). By the time that's over, my feelings of scornful superiority will be soaring, so, having ascertained that the millennium is unavoidable on TV, I'll make sure I have some videos in. Probably that 1950s' film about the Earth being destroyed by a comet and everyone fighting over who will get to escape on the only rocket to the Moon.
Saturday, 1 January
There you all are. It's the Year 2000, depending, of course, on you being Julian rather than Gregorian (or is that the other way around?), of Christian origin, and in a country affluent enough to be able to take time out to worry about such frivolities. And apart from a sore head, what's different about your new millennium. No, I want you to say it. All together now. That's right. Shag all!
But I want to end on a positive note, so beir bua, comrades. Remember, this is the Millennium of Victory!