Top Issue 1-2024

16 January 1997 Edition

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Sportsview: Cat and mouse

By Seán O'Donaile

Mary Harney, Ireland's answer to Evita, is on her soapbox revealing how the Progressive Democrats are going to ``help those who are willing to help themselves'' - I think that means no more money for ``all those scruffy unemployed people and beggars'', the rounding up of all republicans and the introduction of rugby as a compulsory subject in all schools as a desperate effort to boost the fortunes of the Irish team.

Speaking of Fat Cats the World Darts Championship isn't what it used to be - gone are the legendary beer bellies Jocky Wilson and Eric Bristow, replaced by steely-eyed slimmers who don't even swill beer during their bouts. Les Wallace from Scotland out-darted a Welshman whose name I can't remember, but he reminded me of Steve Davis and I'd say he probably even trains. The one redeeming feature of this new style darts is that it's the only place you'll see Spurs and Arsenal fans and other cut-throats hugging each other. It might have something to do with the ten grand' they'd staked.

Over the water, David Beckham showed us all why Adidas are prepared to pay him £200,000 a season to wear their boots. With Utd. managing to pick up full points while others are slipping, and doing so in second gear, it bodes ill for their rivals. Except Porto of course.

Up on rival Tyneside, An Phoblacht contacts have discovered that the real reason Kevin Keegan got the boot was for his refusal to get rid of his Bay City Rollers hair-do. Shareholders made it clear they weren't prepared to invest in a team with one of the Brady Bunch at the helm, and with £90 million even Mrs Brady could have assembled a side with less leaks. Kenny Daglish is currently enquiring as to the availability of a number of Sean Boylan's bonecrunchers to plug the holes in his defence.

Newcastle weren't the only club to lose a manager. Linfield's Trevor Anderson carried out the ultimate treachery by signing for Newry Town. The fans have only themselves to blame particularly after regularly spitting at Anderson, who broke with another ``sacred tradition'' by daring to sign a number of Catholics.

GAA fans are busy checking their lunchboxes for mouse droppings after the revelations that Croke Park Hog Dog Stands, which were ridiculously overpriced at any rate, were infested with mice. And this was the first year my father and I didn't bring the corn beef sandwiches with us!

The Hot Dog Stands, which fed thousands of hungry country folk during the summer, were naturally owned by an ex-soccer player. The Stalinists detect a plot by the FAI to wipe out all GAA fans and buy out Croke Park, but it hasn't worked yet.

Tyrone suffered a delayed reaction to last August, when the County League Final had to be abandoned after a ``schmozzle'' which could lead to lengthy suspensions for a number of county players, including St. Peter, whose halo has now dimmed considerably - maybe the hot dogs got to him.

We're still in the silly season and Boris Becker proved it by complaining after a first round defeat by an unknown that the balls were ``too soft''.

It's just not tennis...or is it cricket?...Now there's a silly sport!

An Phoblacht
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Ireland