Letter to the Taoiseach

I was going to go over and say ‘hello’ but I did not bother.  You might be wondering, Bertie, why I did not line up for the handshake with you in the Great Hall.  
Standing there just underneath the statue of Craigavon, you were like a winning captain climbing the steps of the Lower Hogan.  Having said that, your facial expression did convey a measure of discomfort and you could not refer to the Tanaiste by his name or indeed look him in the eye.  But that is another story.
I did not like your reference to King George V.   A lead balloon if ever there was one.  An Irish Republican with roots in West Cork has an opportunity to lay his imprint at Stormont on the day that the Assembly and the All Ireland Institutions are renewed and you dig out a quote from a King of England.  Lest you forget, Taoiseach, what a man from Sierra Leone once told me on a train between Philadelphia and New York:
“If you pass a pond and you see two fish fighting within that pond, you know that the British have been there beforehand.”
I suppose what I am really saying is that your fondness for George V was inappropriate and misplaced at best.  So, you might now know why I stood back in the Great Hall and was in no humour for talking to you directly on the day.
Here, Taoiseach, will you give me a hand to get the British Army out of Ireland and Iraq?  The former is particularly within our collective remit.  Why bring it up now?  Let me explain.
In the townland of Ballynahatty, just outside Omagh, several British Army helicopters flew very low and very loud over homes and farms in the early hours of Wednesday morning 9 May.  Now, I am talking about 1.20am, would you believe?  
One of the houses belongs to a prominent Omagh solicitor and both he and his wife went outside to investigate the source of the noise which awoke them.  They could hardly believe their eyes and ears.  British Military helicopters conducting zigzag manoeuvres and circulating at a very low level overhead.  Then, wait for it, they landed in the next field and left the machine rotors running for several minutes.  In the middle of the night.  Endangering people and scaring both people and livestock in the area.
The next morning, Taoiseach, the solicitor contacted the RUC.  I should have said ‘PSNI’ there.  Anyway the PSNI advised him that the British Army had been carrying out a “military exercise performed for training purposes but not pertaining to military matters within Northern Ireland.”  The senior PSNI spokesman also advised that the British Army is authorised to carry out such manoeuvres under the British/Irish Agreement 2003, Annex 1.  
So, have I got this straight?  Did you enter into an agreement which allows the Brits to treat rural people in Tyrone, Fermanagh and Armagh as guinea pigs in their wee night-time flying experiments for Iraq?  Guinea pigs or what?
I have lodged a formal complaint with your Department and I have written to the Office of the First Minister/Deputy First Minister as well.  The three of you now speak for Ireland, as I understand it.  
I have also written to Peter Hain, the British Secretary of State who has decided to reserve some powers for himself at Westminster.  When we meet up next, Taoiseach, I am prepared to put King George V behind me if you tighten yourself in the matter of taking back more powers from Hain and his likes.
Is mise le meas
Barry McElduff



NB: Bertie Ahern can be contacted on (00 353) 1 619 4020 or e-mail [email protected].  Address: Office of the Taoiseach, Government Buildings, Dublin 2.