Strange tales

WITH Sinn Féin on 14% to 16% in the opinion polls, and the spectre of a lorry-load of republican TDs kicking up a ruckus in Leinster House, Independent Newspapers has started to work on some story lines for the coming months that will turn back the Shinner onslaught:-
Gerry Adams is Voldemort.
Sinn Féin cancelled your favourite TV show after just one series.
Aengus Ó Snodaigh fixed it so that Mary Byrne got kicked off X Factor.
Sinn Féin is engaged in a conspiracy to ensure Dublin never wins the All-Ireland (Evening Herald only).
Since Gerry Adams was elected MP in West Belfast, Sally O’Brien has never looked at you in the same way.
Maurice Quinlivan and Jonathan O’Brien are the Rubber Bandits, and that horse outside was Shergar. You’re not laughing now, are you?
If you play A Nation Once Again backwards you hear the screaming of a thousand kittens thrown into a wood-chipping machine.
Toto Schillaci was working for an IRA gambling syndicate when he scored that goal in 1990.
Eoin Ó Broin’s books are ghost written by a man he keeps trapped in his basement.
If you rearrange the letters in Pádraig Mac Lochlainn’s name you get ‘Most evil man ever to live’.
In its current health policy, Sinn Féin argues that pregnant unmarried women should take up smoking.
Martin Ferris is not from Kerry. He was born in Bandon and prefers badminton to Gaelic football.
Gerry Adams is Gargamel.
David Cullinane was responsible for the Matrix sequels but not the original, which was brilliant.
The person who married your first unrequited love is a Sinn Féin member, and puts their feet on the seats on the DART.
Caoimhghín Ó Caoláin has the power to go back in time but refuses to use it to kill Hitler.
Stalin is alive and well, and working as a Sinn Féin director of postering in a Leinster constituency.
If you turn the Sinn Féin logo upside down, look at it in the mirror and close your left eye it says, ‘Kill all orphans’.
That’s also what Tiocfaidh ár lá really means.
Gerry Adams is Sauron.
Too cheap to pay for electricity, Sinn Féin powers its offices by burning puppies.
George Clooney thinks you’re very attractive but Sinn Féin told him you weren’t interested.
Mary Lou McDonald has single-handedly prevented us winning the Eurovision since 1996.
Johnny Brady laughs manically to himself whenever you stub your toe in the dark.
Larry O’Toole has made insulting remarks about Shamrock Rovers supporters.
Sinn Féin wants Ireland to withdraw from the European Union and, eventually, from Earth.
Kathryn Reilly thinks jokes about Cavan people are hilarious, and also true.
Though Sinn Féin claims to want a 32-county republic, they’d be happy with 30, and are willing to swap Longford for the Isle of Man.
Eoghan Harris is a deep-cover IRA agent.
So is Twink.
Gerry Adams is Thierry Henry.
Pearse Doherty sends agents to queue in front of you at ATMs to reduce consumer spending and cripple the economy.
Dessie Ellis cleared snow from pensioners’ driveways last month - only to make the paths more slippery.
Osama Bin Laden has been given refuge by republicans and lives in the basement of 44 Parnell Square where he runs a mobile phone unblocking service.
On the night of each full moon, Paul Donnelly turns into a werewolf and lopes around Castleknock.
That gorgeous girl from the pub on Friday night actually did return your call but Seán Crowe forgot to pass on the message.
Kathleen Funchion sometimes sneaks into maternity wards and switches babies for her own sick amusement.
Deep down, in his heart of hearts, Aengus Ó Snodaigh thinks the Israelis have a point.
Sinn Féin members are 85% more likely than other people to talk loudly in cinemas, 71% more likely to take the last biscuit, 83% more likely to illegally park in disabled spaces, and 69% more likely to duck their round in the pub.
Jar Jar Binks was the Operations Officer of the IRA’s Belfast Brigade.
Peadar Toibín was driving the tram that killed Ashley, Charlotte and Molly on Coronation Street.
In the 110-year-long history of the Nobel Prize, no Sinn Féin member has ever won it.
Gerry Adams is Seánie Fitzpatrick.
Paul Hayes was driving the tractor that collided with Biddy from Glenroe, killing her instantly.
Sinn Féin’s justice policy says that violent offenders should all be released and given houses just down the road from you.
Rose Conway Walsh killed Bambi’s mother and she makes jokes about it to this day.
Sinn Féin’s press officers have mind control powers. Don’t look them directly in the eye.
Whenever he goes abroad, Brian Stanley has to sleep in a coffin lined with soil taken from Laois.
Gerry Adams is Keyser Söze.