18 December 1997 Edition
Television: Tiocfaidh ár Telly
Le Sean O'Donaile
IT'S not easy to be cynical about Christmas even if we do have to suffer Harry Secombe, Prince Charles and their ``chums'' singing their Christmas carols. It's equally difficult to assess the revolutionary role of chocolate in the Willy Wonka Factory, so I'll just have to list my favourites for the festive season, the weepies, the complete turkeys and the republican film list with guest star Liam Averill.
Films:
1) Top of the charts has to be the ageless Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory, BBC1 Christmas Day, which has lost none of its charm since its original screening in 1971. Maybe not the ideal film if you've consumed too much sprouts and Guinness, but then again you can readily identify with Agustus Gloop!
2) Speed, RTE 1 Christmas Day, is not about the Branch chasing you around those back roads, but a rollercoaster of a movie, starring the gorgeous Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock and ``an bus scoile'' which doesn't want to stop.
3) La Reine Margot, BBC 2, Christmas Day, is for the subtitle fans. This 1962 epic is good for calming the house down after Auntie Mary has walloped Granda over the head with the Monopoly board.
4) Gone with the Wind, RTE 1, 28th, which is where most of your money and food has gone, is an old favourite, and at four hours is an alternative to playing Scrabble with the cousins.
5) Last Tango in Paris, C4, 1st January, starring the mesmeric Marlon Brando, is a classic, although it might put you off butter for life.
6) Heat, Sky 2, 24th, finally brings together Al Pacino, Robert De Niro - the wait was worth it.
7) Once Were Warriors, Sky 1, 27th, is not very jolly but a powerful portrayal of a broken Maori family in urban New Zealand - compelling viewing.
8) Raiders of the Lost Ark, BBC 12, 24th, a fantasy adventure starring the swashbuckling Harrison Ford, will help you count the minutes `till bedtime, before the hairy fella calls.
9) Babe, Sky 2, 25th, finally gives pigs back their good name. This delightful movie follows the adventures of a talking pig who wants to be a dog, and he doesn't even ask you to ``step out of your car''.
10) Squeezing in at uimhir a deich is Dr Doolittle, C4, 25th, who wants to talk to the animals, which is not very likely if you've just eaten one of them.
Republicans Films ag an Nollaig:
At No. 20 is One Million Years BC, BBC 1, 1st, which tells the tale of Belfast City Council, who wouldn't give money to Catholics.
In at No 19 is Ken Maginnis in Call My Bluff, BBC 2, 22nd, who, after much huffing and bluffing, turns up at the ball.
The Royal Family make a surprising entry at No. 18 with 4 Go Mad in Dorset, C4, 24th.
Joel Patton stars in Wildlife SOS Special, C5, 23rd, which chronicles the crazed wanderings of the Orangemen, who are threatened with extinction. This one looks likely to fall.
Caoimhghín and Martin Ferris star in Top of the Pops, BBC 1, 25th, and look set for a further rise from No 16.
At No 15 is Ronnie and His Merry Peelers, who star in Dr Who and the Daleks, C4, 30th, running about in their tin dummies, causing much mischief and mayhem.
John Major and the Blue Noses fall to No 14 with The Vanishing Act, C5, 20th, which follows their summer nightmare.
In at lucky 13 is Martin McGuinness and Gerry Kelly in Ben Hur, RTE 1, 31st, who heroically race their chariots to victory against the bad guys.
The Stormont talks make a long awaited appearance at No 12, with Jurassic Park, RTE 1 25th, although the dinosaurs are slow to appear.
Pat Doherty and Gerry Adams are at No 11 in Mr Smith Goes To Washington, BBC 2, 31st, where they foil the attempts of 5,000 British propagandists and win the hearts of the locals.
Hugh Grant, an old Republican, is at 10 with Four Weddings And a Funeral, RTE 1, 26th, although this was a bit of a blow-out in the States.
Liam Averill makes his first appearance in a trilogy of films, with The Great Escape, which BBC are considering showing instead of the Queen's speech, as a confidence building measure for Nationalists.
Ian Paisley is not impressed and he comes in at No 8 with Home Alone, RTE 1, 20th, which follows his exciting adventure as he foils the attempts of those ruffians who try to take him to Stormont.
At 7 is Mise Agus Conor, RTE 1, 29th, which is a cover title for the UK Unionist Party, starring Bob and Conor.
The Muppets Christmas Carol, UTV, 25th, details the valiant efforts of Kermit Donaldson and his furry friends as they try to make Scrooge Trimble smile for Christmas.
Tom, Dick and Harry, C5, 26th, or John, Dick and Prunshy, is an old act, and looks set to fall from grace.
At No 4 is When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth, BBC 1, 27th, which tells the nightmare of Stormont rule over a fifty year period.
The sequel One of our Dinosaurs is Missing, N2, 29th, is eagerly awaited, where Sammy and the Bare bums are found in the forest.
Gerry and the Peacemakers star at No 3 in How the West was Won, BBC 2, 29th, following the capture of their lands from Injun' Joe.
Ice Mummies Frozen in Time is still at No 2, and this is the charming tale of the Northern State.
Straight in at No 1 is Maghera's Liam Averill, with the double bill Escape From Alcatraz, Sky, 29th, and Tootsie, where Liam puts his blue eyes to good use. Watch out for Liam starring as Mr Pussy at selected venues along the border.
Nollaig Shona a Liam!
Recommended Documentaries:
1) Spré Rosy Ryan, TnaG, 26th - The effect that Ryan's Daughter, had on the Dingle peninsula.
2) Looking Like Diana, C4, 29th - The change in fortune for three women who used to earn their living imitating Diana, until her demise, that is.
3) The Roses of No Man's Land, C4, 25th - The memories of World War 1 nurses who had to deal with wounded soldiers in the trenches of the Western Front: for example, Norah Claye; ``If a soldier had gangrene, maggots were put into the wound and they ate the gangrene and helped it to heal. That was a shock to see those nasty little things crawling around inside a man's leg.''
Don't watch this before your dinner.
4) Natural History Night, BBC 2, 27th - A six hour feast of wildlife treasures including The Bat that Cracked the Frog Code.
5) Storm Over 4, C4, 1st - the controversies that have followed Channel 4 since its inception in 1982.
6) Smash It Up, C4, 30th - the tracking down of activists and radicals fifteen years on as they abandon the placard in favour of the mortgage.
Family Entertainment:
1) The Simpsons' Christmas Special, RTE 1, 25th/Sky, is a must for all afficianadoes of Bart as the working class hero struggles for a few dollars more to see himself through Christmas.
2) If you're looking for some late cooking tips, tune into Two Fat Ladies, BBC 2, 24th, as they rustle up some goose and ice cream pudding.
3) Channel 4's Fantasy Schedule all night on the 27th as viewers' choice takes precedence.
4) Watch out for South Armagh's favourites, Tiocfaidh ar La-La and his buddies in Teletubbies.
5) As Baywatch is the world's most watched programme, it has to get a mention, but Pamela's not much of a revolutionary.
6) Nappy Christmas with Dustin is a delight for all children, adults and cynics and just about anyone who doesn't love Pat Kenny.
7) The Snowman is an old classic and you can catch the fluffy fellow on Channel 4 on the 24th, before he melts.
8) Father Xmas and the Missing Reindeer is about a nasty UDR man kidnapping Rudolf, only for Sinn Féin Santa to save the ``lá''.
9) & 10) Wanderly Wagon, Chitty Chitty Bang-Bang, Billy Smart's Christmas Circus, The Magic Roundabout, and The Champ, none of which are on this year. Make representations to your local Sinn Féin Councillor/TD/MP!
Ten Turkeys:
1) For some strange reason Network 2 have resurrected Are You Being Served, whose main punch lines centre on derogatory comments about gays and women - not funny!
2) The Des O'Connor Special, is supposed to be on UTV on the 22nd, but I can't locate it. Nevertheless, be prepared.
3) In Oprah and Elton, Sky, 26th, Elton and Oprah will discuss the joys of Christmas and other such nonsense.
4) Chris De Burgh - Beautiful Dreams Live, RTE 1, 27th. Watch Chris take time off from extra marital affairs to serve up some of his classics.
5) If you're still not allowed out you'll have to plan a strategy to avoid Tom Jones in Vegas, BBC 1, 28th, starring Tom and his hairy chest.
6) It's time for Cluedo, if you're to miss Invasion of the Saucermen, BBC 2, 24th, which is about Claremen taking over Croke Park.
7) If your idea of humour is men pissing into a bottle and getting someone to drink it, then Dumb and Dumber, RTE 1, 24th, is for you. But if you're not a rugby player, ask Uncle Jim for a game of Scrabble.
8) The Queen's Speech, Christmas Day, is one for the bin unless it's the Maghera Queen.
9) China O'Brien, UTV, 27th, is about a man from China called Brian who's looking for justice - yeah, right.
10) Finally, if you're still suffering, Daniel O'Donnell Sings Gospel, RTE 1, 31st, will finish you off - time for St. Conall's!
Music:
Geantraí, TnaG, 24th.
Lord of the Dance, Network 2, 2nd.
Spice Girls, Network 2, 31st.
Unplugged Oasis, BBC 1, 25th.
Peter and the Wolf, BBC 1, 25th.
Sport:
Christy Ring, RTE 1, 25th.
Gladiators, UTV, 27th.
Man Utd v Newcastle, Sky, 21st.
Celtic v Rangers, Sky, 2nd.
Teilifís Na Gaeilge:
21u - Geantraí - Ceol traidisiúnta.
22u - CU Burn - Sraithdhrama le rogairí ó Gaoth Dobhair.
- Ole-Ole- Sacair ó Alban agus ón Spáinn.
24u - Siar `s Aniar - Iris speisialta ó Bostan.
25u - Jesus of Montreal - scannán ó Ceanada.
29u - Dhá Chamán - an ceangail idir camán agus shinty.
31u - Ceolchoirm ón Oireachtas.
1u - El Che - saol Che Guevara.
- Chiapas - Cuairt clainne ar Chiapas.
Now that I've run out of smart comments about John Bruton, Unionists and the Royal family, I'll have to return to the 547th showing of Barney the Dinosaur at my daughter's request - bain sult as an saoire and get up off that couch!
IT'S not easy to be cynical about Christmas even if we do have to suffer Harry Secombe, Prince Charles and their ``chums'' singing their Christmas carols. It's equally difficult to assess the revolutionary role of chocolate in the Willy Wonka Factory, so I'll just have to list my favourites for the festive season, the weepies, the complete turkeys and the republican film list with guest star Liam Averill.
Films:
1) Top of the charts has to be the ageless Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory, BBC1 Christmas Day, which has lost none of its charm since its original screening in 1971. Maybe not the ideal film if you've consumed too much sprouts and Guinness, but then again you can readily identify with Agustus Gloop!
2) Speed, RTE 1 Christmas Day, is not about the Branch chasing you around those back roads, but a rollercoaster of a movie, starring the gorgeous Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock and ``an bus scoile'' which doesn't want to stop.
3) La Reine Margot, BBC 2, Christmas Day, is for the subtitle fans. This 1962 epic is good for calming the house down after Auntie Mary has walloped Granda over the head with the Monopoly board.
4) Gone with the Wind, RTE 1, 28th, which is where most of your money and food has gone, is an old favourite, and at four hours is an alternative to playing Scrabble with the cousins.
5) Last Tango in Paris, C4, 1st January, starring the mesmeric Marlon Brando, is a classic, although it might put you off butter for life.
6) Heat, Sky 2, 24th, finally brings together Al Pacino, Robert De Niro - the wait was worth it.
7) Once Were Warriors, Sky 1, 27th, is not very jolly but a powerful portrayal of a broken Maori family in urban New Zealand - compelling viewing.
8) Raiders of the Lost Ark, BBC 12, 24th, a fantasy adventure starring the swashbuckling Harrison Ford, will help you count the minutes `till bedtime, before the hairy fella calls.
9) Babe, Sky 2, 25th, finally gives pigs back their good name. This delightful movie follows the adventures of a talking pig who wants to be a dog, and he doesn't even ask you to ``step out of your car''.
10) Squeezing in at uimhir a deich is Dr Doolittle, C4, 25th, who wants to talk to the animals, which is not very likely if you've just eaten one of them.
Republicans Films ag an Nollaig:
At No. 20 is One Million Years BC, BBC 1, 1st, which tells the tale of Belfast City Council, who wouldn't give money to Catholics.
In at No 19 is Ken Maginnis in Call My Bluff, BBC 2, 22nd, who, after much huffing and bluffing, turns up at the ball.
The Royal Family make a surprising entry at No. 18 with 4 Go Mad in Dorset, C4, 24th.
Joel Patton stars in Wildlife SOS Special, C5, 23rd, which chronicles the crazed wanderings of the Orangemen, who are threatened with extinction. This one looks likely to fall.
Caoimhghín and Martin Ferris star in Top of the Pops, BBC 1, 25th, and look set for a further rise from No 16.
At No 15 is Ronnie and His Merry Peelers, who star in Dr Who and the Daleks, C4, 30th, running about in their tin dummies, causing much mischief and mayhem.
John Major and the Blue Noses fall to No 14 with The Vanishing Act, C5, 20th, which follows their summer nightmare.
In at lucky 13 is Martin McGuinness and Gerry Kelly in Ben Hur, RTE 1, 31st, who heroically race their chariots to victory against the bad guys.
The Stormont talks make a long awaited appearance at No 12, with Jurassic Park, RTE 1 25th, although the dinosaurs are slow to appear.
Pat Doherty and Gerry Adams are at No 11 in Mr Smith Goes To Washington, BBC 2, 31st, where they foil the attempts of 5,000 British propagandists and win the hearts of the locals.
Hugh Grant, an old Republican, is at 10 with Four Weddings And a Funeral, RTE 1, 26th, although this was a bit of a blow-out in the States.
Liam Averill makes his first appearance in a trilogy of films, with The Great Escape, which BBC are considering showing instead of the Queen's speech, as a confidence building measure for Nationalists.
Ian Paisley is not impressed and he comes in at No 8 with Home Alone, RTE 1, 20th, which follows his exciting adventure as he foils the attempts of those ruffians who try to take him to Stormont.
At 7 is Mise Agus Conor, RTE 1, 29th, which is a cover title for the UK Unionist Party, starring Bob and Conor.
The Muppets Christmas Carol, UTV, 25th, details the valiant efforts of Kermit Donaldson and his furry friends as they try to make Scrooge Trimble smile for Christmas.
Tom, Dick and Harry, C5, 26th, or John, Dick and Prunshy, is an old act, and looks set to fall from grace.
At No 4 is When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth, BBC 1, 27th, which tells the nightmare of Stormont rule over a fifty year period.
The sequel One of our Dinosaurs is Missing, N2, 29th, is eagerly awaited, where Sammy and the Bare bums are found in the forest.
Gerry and the Peacemakers star at No 3 in How the West was Won, BBC 2, 29th, following the capture of their lands from Injun' Joe.
Ice Mummies Frozen in Time is still at No 2, and this is the charming tale of the Northern State.
Straight in at No 1 is Maghera's Liam Averill, with the double bill Escape From Alcatraz, Sky, 29th, and Tootsie, where Liam puts his blue eyes to good use. Watch out for Liam starring as Mr Pussy at selected venues along the border.
Nollaig Shona a Liam!
Recommended Documentaries:
1) Spré Rosy Ryan, TnaG, 26th - The effect that Ryan's Daughter, had on the Dingle peninsula.
2) Looking Like Diana, C4, 29th - The change in fortune for three women who used to earn their living imitating Diana, until her demise, that is.
3) The Roses of No Man's Land, C4, 25th - The memories of World War 1 nurses who had to deal with wounded soldiers in the trenches of the Western Front: for example, Norah Claye; ``If a soldier had gangrene, maggots were put into the wound and they ate the gangrene and helped it to heal. That was a shock to see those nasty little things crawling around inside a man's leg.''
Don't watch this before your dinner.
4) Natural History Night, BBC 2, 27th - A six hour feast of wildlife treasures including The Bat that Cracked the Frog Code.
5) Storm Over 4, C4, 1st - the controversies that have followed Channel 4 since its inception in 1982.
6) Smash It Up, C4, 30th - the tracking down of activists and radicals fifteen years on as they abandon the placard in favour of the mortgage.
Family Entertainment:
1) The Simpsons' Christmas Special, RTE 1, 25th/Sky, is a must for all afficianadoes of Bart as the working class hero struggles for a few dollars more to see himself through Christmas.
2) If you're looking for some late cooking tips, tune into Two Fat Ladies, BBC 2, 24th, as they rustle up some goose and ice cream pudding.
3) Channel 4's Fantasy Schedule all night on the 27th as viewers' choice takes precedence.
4) Watch out for South Armagh's favourites, Tiocfaidh ar La-La and his buddies in Teletubbies.
5) As Baywatch is the world's most watched programme, it has to get a mention, but Pamela's not much of a revolutionary.
6) Nappy Christmas with Dustin is a delight for all children, adults and cynics and just about anyone who doesn't love Pat Kenny.
7) The Snowman is an old classic and you can catch the fluffy fellow on Channel 4 on the 24th, before he melts.
8) Father Xmas and the Missing Reindeer is about a nasty UDR man kidnapping Rudolf, only for Sinn Féin Santa to save the ``lá''.
9) & 10) Wanderly Wagon, Chitty Chitty Bang-Bang, Billy Smart's Christmas Circus, The Magic Roundabout, and The Champ, none of which are on this year. Make representations to your local Sinn Féin Councillor/TD/MP!
Ten Turkeys:
1) For some strange reason Network 2 have resurrected Are You Being Served, whose main punch lines centre on derogatory comments about gays and women - not funny!
2) The Des O'Connor Special, is supposed to be on UTV on the 22nd, but I can't locate it. Nevertheless, be prepared.
3) In Oprah and Elton, Sky, 26th, Elton and Oprah will discuss the joys of Christmas and other such nonsense.
4) Chris De Burgh - Beautiful Dreams Live, RTE 1, 27th. Watch Chris take time off from extra marital affairs to serve up some of his classics.
5) If you're still not allowed out you'll have to plan a strategy to avoid Tom Jones in Vegas, BBC 1, 28th, starring Tom and his hairy chest.
6) It's time for Cluedo, if you're to miss Invasion of the Saucermen, BBC 2, 24th, which is about Claremen taking over Croke Park.
7) If your idea of humour is men pissing into a bottle and getting someone to drink it, then Dumb and Dumber, RTE 1, 24th, is for you. But if you're not a rugby player, ask Uncle Jim for a game of Scrabble.
8) The Queen's Speech, Christmas Day, is one for the bin unless it's the Maghera Queen.
9) China O'Brien, UTV, 27th, is about a man from China called Brian who's looking for justice - yeah, right.
10) Finally, if you're still suffering, Daniel O'Donnell Sings Gospel, RTE 1, 31st, will finish you off - time for St. Conall's!
Music:
Geantraí, TnaG, 24th.
Lord of the Dance, Network 2, 2nd.
Spice Girls, Network 2, 31st.
Unplugged Oasis, BBC 1, 25th.
Peter and the Wolf, BBC 1, 25th.
Sport:
Christy Ring, RTE 1, 25th.
Gladiators, UTV, 27th.
Man Utd v Newcastle, Sky, 21st.
Celtic v Rangers, Sky, 2nd.
Teilifís Na Gaeilge:
21u - Geantraí - Ceol traidisiúnta.
22u - CU Burn - Sraithdhrama le rogairí ó Gaoth Dobhair.
- Ole-Ole- Sacair ó Alban agus ón Spáinn.
24u - Siar `s Aniar - Iris speisialta ó Bostan.
25u - Jesus of Montreal - scannán ó Ceanada.
29u - Dhá Chamán - an ceangail idir camán agus shinty.
31u - Ceolchoirm ón Oireachtas.
1u - El Che - saol Che Guevara.
- Chiapas - Cuairt clainne ar Chiapas.
Now that I've run out of smart comments about John Bruton, Unionists and the Royal family, I'll have to return to the 547th showing of Barney the Dinosaur at my daughter's request - bain sult as an saoire and get up off that couch!