Fun for all the Bush family

Is your brain not taxed enough by Scrabble, Cluedo and Happy Families? Then break out the latest board game to hit the High Street: The War on Terror - The Board Game.

Inspired by the unquestioning hysteria that has fuelled the real-life-or-death 'War on Terror', the new game is the brainchild of two web designers in Cambridge, England.

As the Terror Bull website explains the spirit of its origins:

"It's 2003, we're drunk, our government is about to start an illegal war in Iraq... The War on Terror - The Board Game is born!"And it has it all:

"Secure the oil, build your empire; fund and fight terrorism...

"It's got suicide bombers, political kidnaps and intercontinental war. It's got filthy propaganda, rampant paranoia and secret treaties... and The Axis of Evil is a spinner in the middle of the board.

"You can fight terrorism, you can fund terrorism, you can even be the terrorists. The only thing that matters is global domination - er, liberation."

Let the game begin

So how does The War on Terror work?

The game's masters explain:

"You're either with them or against them. Or sometimes you're both.

"Previously just a violent hobby for greedy imperialists, now everyone can join in the War on Terror.

"Three years in the making, The War on Terror - The Board Game has carefully distilled and reduced modern geo-politics into a revolutionary game for the 21st century.

"Players liberate the world while bickering over oil, funding and fighting terrorism, forcing regime changes and discovering those elusive WMDs. All the time, alliances waver - old enemies become friends, while previous allies turn bad guys with one casual flick of the Axis of Evil spinner.

"Designed as a serious challenge to the counter-productive pursuit of the so-called 'War on Terror' but also as a fun, family game to be played with Granny on Boxing Day.

"When a board game includes Suicide Bomber cards, Dirty Bombs, Nuclear Weapons and a balaclava with the word 'Evil' stitched across the forehead, you know you're in for a quality evening's entertainment."

Mail storm

Needless to say, the Daily Mail is outraged and certainly isn't a big fan of The War on Terror (the game, that is - they just love the real thing, where real families get killed). But its makers are withstanding the Mail's offensive.

"It's been called 'sick and ridiculous', 'absolutely deplorable', and 'the game that Voltaire would have made' - and it's not even released yet.

"Needless to say, a game that blurs the line between empire and terrorist, allowing you to play as both, has opinion heavily divided.

"The actual War on Terror costs billions, has no end and has taken thousands of lives. Luckily this 'long war' can be fought in an evening, with minimal casualties and costs just 30 quid."

Andy Tompkins, co-designer, says:

"Some people suggest that turning the War on Terror into a board game is a tad insensitive. I always reply that starting a war is insensitive; a board game is just fun for all the family."

Due out at the end of October, The War on Terror costs £32 and can be ordered from www.waronterrortheboardgame.com

Just the thing for your friends in Fine Gael or the DUP.

The Queen's Own Coke Smugglers

British soldiers have been smuggling guns back from Iraq to sell to gangsters in England's inner cities in exchange for cocaine.

The Royal Military Police are questioning troops from the 3rd Battalion, The Yorkshire Regiment, about a widespread 'guns for coke' racket involving some soldiers smuggling weapons from Iraq via British bases near Hanover in Germany to Britain on a regular basis.

The guns were given to gangsters in return for 50 grams of cocaine apiece (with a street value of £2,500), which was then sold on to other British soldiers in the Middle East. Drugs have been found to be rampant among British soldiers, particularly those at the centre of torturing and ill-treating prisoners. A parliamentary question revealed that 1,020 military tested positive for drugs last year, including more than 500 found to be using Class A drugs.

The Yorkshires are now based at the garrison town of Warminster, Wiltshire.

Para normal

The British Army has said it will dismiss a paratrooper "if he is found guilty of trying to endanger other people's lives" by firing at them - and missing. But in case any relatives of Irish people actually shot dead by Paratrooper Lee Clegg think there's been a change of heart, the Ministry of Defence says this para is in trouble for threatening the lives of other soldiers.

A 22-year-old para fled with a weapon from the RAF base at St Athan, South Wales, pursued by sentries. They grappled with him at a nearby beach as families, out for a Sunday afternoon by the sea, looked on helplessly. Up to five shots rang out before the paratrooper broke free and turned the gun on himself. He was taken to a Swansea hospital where he was said to be in a critical condition.

Army bosses say the soldier is unlikely to face a court martial as a result of the shooting, saying it will now be dealt with as a police civilian matter. He will, though, be kicked out of his regiment and the army if he is found guilty of trying to endanger "other people's lives" (because none of them is Irish).

Fur furore

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has rejoined the ongoing row over the elite British guards regiments at Buckingham Palace using the pelts of Canadian black bears for their bearskin headgear, leaving hundreds of bear cubs orphaned.

"It is inexcusable," PETA said. "Tradition has never been a means of justifying cruelty."

Really? I always thought that British Army traditions are steeped in justifying cruelty: India, Kenya, Aden, Cyprus, Ireland, Iraq...