The 5th Column

Hang 'em high

WANTED POSTERS have appeared across County Laois to help Justice Minister Michael McDowell and his sidekick, Deputy O'Dea, hunt down "criminal republicans", that is, as the Marshal explained on RTÉ's Questions and Answers, any republican who broke the law.

Now some public-spirited citizen has entered into the Judge Roy Bean spirit of Marshal McDowell's PD posse by hoisting posters around Mountmellick calling for information to be passed to Fianna Fáil/PD bounty hunters looking for pesky law-breakers. Additions to McDowell's 'Most Wanted' are named as one Eamon de Valera (aka President of Ireland and one-time leader of the so-called Soldiers of Destiny), Michael Collins (a confessed peddler of mayhem who masterminded robberies, killing judges and law officers in their beds, in front of their wives, etc), and the left-wing extremist James Connolly, all of whom stand accused of seeking to overthrow the legal authorities through acts of terrorism, violence and other lawlessness.

Fianna Fáil, Fine Gael and Labour Party leaders are warned not to approach these dangerous, lawless individuals at commemorations in case they threaten their credibility.

Sanctions busters

THE unionist-inspired International Monitoring Commission has yet to recommend sanctions against Tony Blair's British Labour Party or the Conservative Party over the British Army's running of the Force Research Unit, RUC and UDR collusion with UDA or UVF unionist terrorists.

We'll watch the space between the IMC's MI5 ears.

Serving RUC officers (1)

DUBLIN MEDIA supporters of the PSNI seem to have missed last week's damning report of Police Ombudsman Nuala O'Loan that RUC Special Branch officers withheld evidence from murder squad colleagues investigating the murder of Eoin Morley in Newry on Easter Sunday 15 years ago.

The Dublin media also failed to highlight O'Loan's critical finding that no disciplinary action could be taken now because the officers involved were either retired or through a lack of evidence against "THOSE STILL SERVING IN THE POLICE" (our emphasis).

Lack of evidence only seems to hamper some sanctions by the British authorities.

Serving RUC officers (2)

NO DOUBT those former and still-serving RUC Special Branch officers will be able to toast their clean getaway in their usual get-togethers at the Peelers' Newforge Country Club in Belfast.

The discovery of a big wad of Northern banknotes last week provoked some interested comment by the media but, strangely, no eagle-eyed reporter sought to highlight the fact that, even in this supposedly 'new era' of policing, the Peelers' watering hole is still run by the RUC Athletic Association.

Broken Glass

A VETERAN DUP officer has walked out in a row which threatens the future of two county-level branches in 'Boxcar' Willie McCrea's parish.

Robert Glass, chair of Limavady branch and a Paisleyite for 36 years, has quit over the treatment of another member, Paul Deans, by party officers at headquarters.

Deans was thrown out of the party more than 18 months ago after being accused of "talking to the media".

A shattered Glass said of the DUP leadership: "They don't listen to the people on the ground if they have a problem. I know Ian Paisley has not been well but it seems there is a rank at the top of the party who are trying to overrule the whole thing."

The branch could also refuse to nominate candidates for the forthcoming local government elections on 5 May.

Another blow for democracy.

SDLP Valentines

THE 26-County Labour Party of Pat Rabbitte (once a big man in the Workers' Party, the forged fivers wing of the so-called 'Official IRA') was cosying up to the SDLP at their annual conference over Valentine's weekend. This comes amid rumblings among the SDLP's dwindling activists that they want to hook up with Fianna Fáil.

Artless Arts Minister John O'Donoghue nearly burst a blood vessel on RTÉ's Questions & Answers on Monday night when Sinn Féin's Conor Murphy hit him with the home truth that Fianna Fáil's republicanism stops at the border. Now FF plans to travel north to set up "units" (how very military) after May's local elections to make Mark Durkan an offer he can't refuse for his Incredibly Shrinking SDLP. Or will the SDLP splinter and become a bit of the third leg on the Fine Gael/Labour coalition stool?

Prince Charmless

WHEN British royalists run down to their local Asda supermarket to stock up with Pot Noodles on 8 April for the wedding of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles, they'll be able to rise from being a cheap commoner and share the majesty of the occasion by picking up a £19 cut-price replica of the Parachute Regiment godfather's "priceless" engagement ring to Camilla.

Camilla copycats will be able to dazzle other dim-witted monarchists by 'flashing' their sterling silver and "cubic zirconia" diamond rings (ooooh!).

But wealthy royal knee-benders like Irish Independent Bean Baron Sir Tony O'Reilly will be able to flash their cash on a £30,000 made-to-order platinum and three-carat diamond version at their Asda checkout.

For cheaper Charlies, Asda's jewellery buyer, Justine Reid, said: "The exclusive Camilla-inspired ring will give all budding Prince Charmings the chance to impress their princess this spring and still have change left over for the weekly shop."

And a sick bag as well.

PDs come unstuck

PD SNIPER Fiona O'Malley TD usually has a fit every other week about how offended she is by the sight of IRA T-shirts but she managed to make a show of herself last week in Trinity College Dublin.

Fiona and part-time Health Minister Mary Harney strolled down to Trinity to join young PD members in exhorting the student fraternity to wear a condom.

Looking decidedly more awkward than usual, the dizzy deputy struggled to maintain her dignity as she clutched a poster under the PD banner with an unzipped banana and the slogan: "Cum protected." Urrrgh!