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9 December 2004 Edition

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The 5th Column

Political pig's ear

WHILE IAN PAISLEY grabbed all the headlines with his thundering, blundering outburst about how he wanted the IRA to wear "sackcloth and ashes", one of the other guest speakers at the DUP Ballymena annual beanfeast last Saturday week went remarkably unremarked by most of the Establishment media — retired Special Branch supremo Bill Lowry.

The not-so-retiring Special Branch godfather seemed to have no worries about being a special friend of the Paisley party, even with its long-standing paramilitary links to the Third Force, Ulster Resistance and the UDA/UVF-backed illegal putsch by the reactionary Ulster Workers' Council.

Warning against sharing power with Sinn Féin, Lowry told the DUP's feasty boys: "When you run with dogs you're liable to catch some of their fleas."

As top dog of the political police in Belfast, on 4 October 2002, Lowry masterminded the raid on Sinn Féin's offices at Stormont, which led to allegations of IRA spying, the collapse of the power-sharing executive and the suspension of the Assembly — the political pig's ear that led to Paisley climbing to the top of the unionist pile.

No wonder the DUP feel they have a friend in old Bill.

Secret members

DUP FORMER MAYOR of Belfast, Sammy Wilson, was to the fore in protecting and serving Bill's boys in the Special Branch by attacking the restart of the Patten reform calling for Peelers to declare their secret membership of groups such as the Orange Order, the Freemasons and the Ancient Order of Hibernians.

The register was suspended last month after a legal challenge from Peelers who wanted to remain secret policemen. After consulting his brief, PSNI boss Hugh Orde has announced that he is opening the register again. The list will be confidential, but could be referred to in case of court proceedings or investigations by the Police Ombudsman.

Sammy Wilson (whose naturist romps in the forest show that he usually likes to get everything out in the open) called the register an invasion of privacy and claimed it was an attempt to drive officers out of the Orange Order.

Surprisingly for a law 'n' order lover, Sammy called on Peelers to refuse the lawful order. He told them to withdraw any registration already submitted and send a blank form instead.

A DUP member of the Policing Board urging Peelers to mutiny and supporting a suspect's right to silence. Strange times indeed.

Freedom for Paisley

IAN PAISLEY is all set for another slap-up dinner this Friday when he's to be given the Freedom of the Borough of Ballymena at the Great Hall of Galgorm Manor Hotel... in recognition of his "outstanding contribution to civic life"!

Hope no one chokes on that.

Bomb squad in the dog house

BOMB SQUAD officers in Paris are keeping their heads down after losing an explosive device THEY planted in a passenger's luggage.

Officers training sniffer dogs at Roissy Airport, outside Paris, at the weekend slipped 150 gram of plastic explosives in the side pocket of an unsuspecting passenger's bag selected at random from luggage waiting to be loaded on to a plane. When the cops went off to find a deputy dog to seek and find, baggage handlers loaded the suitcase onto a waiting plane. And the bag and bomb (and the innocent traveller) are now on their way to god knows where.

A police spokesperson acknowledged that the owner of a dark blue suitcase might be in for a bit of a shock when they (or airport security at the other end!) discovered a slab of explosives stuffed down the side of their case. "One could imagine that the passenger might feel annoyed," he said.

But the damage limitation exercise continued as cops pleaded that the device had no detonator and would not react to movement or fire. The explosive was, therefore, "no more dangerous than a bar of chocolate". And, of course, anyone caught with the gear could protest: 'It was planted by the police.'

Show me a judge that will swallow that.

Hold the meatballs!

SIR MARK THATCHER, the knighted and benighted son of Baroness Margaret Thatcher, has had his trial in South Africa on charges of helping to finance a foiled white mercenary coup attempt in oil-rich Equatorial Guinea postponed until 8 April.

Mummy has stumped up the bail money for her wayward son, who was arrested at his suburban Cape Town mansion home in August and charged with violating South Africa's anti-mercenary laws.

President Teodoro Obiang Nguema has ruled Africa's third-largest oil producer for the past 25 years and is reputed to eat his enemies' testicles!

Good taste (for once) prevents us from delving too much into what might be on the menu if Equatorial Guinea's request to extradite Sir Mark is granted and the lily-livered son of the Wicked Witch of Westminster is served up on a platter.

Dessert storm

ANTI-GLOBALISATION activists in Italy had a different class of a blow out at a restaurant in Venice during a nationwide strike against Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi's right-wing economic policies.

The restaurant has recently hosted delegates to a NATO conference and it certainly wasn't expecting 40 hungry eaters to munch their way through €2,000 (£1,400) of gourmet grub, washed down by five bottles of sumptious Moet & Chandon champagne, without paying.

Having fed their faces after pretending to be celebrating a baptism, the dinner party walked out, leaving a just note complimenting the fine food and wine and telling the owners that they had been victims of "collateral damage in the war against war and poverty".

Just desserts?


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