The 5th Column

Chris Hudson

On Her Majesty's Service

CHRIS HUDSON, the self-acclaimed trade unionist and peace activist who made a royal patsy of himself by accepting the imperialist bauble from the British queen of becoming a Member of the British Empire for his services to counter-insurgency, did another service over the Easter weekend.

The ego-driven engine of the anti-republican Peace Train Organisation, regular readers will recall, made his last public appearance in 2003 on RTÉ to grandly announce that he had NOT supported the protests in Dublin against the Gulf War because he was upset at what he saw as the anti-American sentiments of SOME of the 100,000 protestors (so unless everyone on a march signs up to the Hudson view of the world, you'll be marching without him).

On Good Friday, wearing his Unitarian pastor's hat, the occasional pacifist headed a ceremony in Dublin in which all the names of those who died in the conflict in the Six Counties were read out. He told the Irish Times that one of his ambitions was to involve republicans and loyalists in the readings, "where each would also have to read out the names of the dead from the other community as part of their contribution".

Very laudable, Chris. But why not make it truly inclusive and involve members of the RUC and British Army to do likewise? Why, you could have even invited the Commander in Chief of the British Army and giver of MBEs to grateful commoners, Mrs Elizabeth Windsor, the self-styled Queen of Britain. After all, you are on kneeling terms with her.

Relocation, relocation

'THE BOLTON WANDERERS', jailed Johnny Adair's motley crew of UDA/UFF refugees on the run in Britain, are fleeing from the Lancashire hot spot that gave them their nickname.

Media reports claim that 'Fat Jackie' Jackson, one of Johnny Adair's stoutest supports, is now an £8 an hour labourer on a Manchester building site.

Gary 'Smickers' Smith, whose battle honours include frightening wee schoolchildren with telephone bomb hoaxes to Holy Cross, has slid into Glasgow with girlfriend Sharon and their child.

Adair disciple John White is reported to still be in Manchester after having found the Lord and a girlfriend.

And the dim duo of 'Sham' and Herbie Millar are seeking to recharge their batteries by heading for the bright lights of London, where Herbie hopes that the tattoo on the back of his neck — "Fuck all Taigs" — will not be a barrier to employment in the multicultural metropolis.

Soldier of fortune

EX-UDR SOLDIER and RIR Colour Sergeant Christopher McDonald, killed in Iraq last month while working as a 'private security guard', has been buried with full military honours by the Royal Irish Regiment. This is despite him contravening Ministry of Defence rules by joining a private security outfit while still officially a member of the British Army at its Thiepval Barracks HQ in Lisburn.

The MoD says that soldiers applying for discharge can go on detachments, as a sort of pre-release scheme, but they are not allowed to do private security work.

Holding the rank of colour sergeant shows that McDonald knew the rules but the lure of up to £1,000 a day being enjoyed by some 200 ex-RUC and ex-UDR colleagues meant another gun for hire was on his way to Iraq before he packed up the Troubles in his old kit bag.

The Banbridge man had served with the UDR and RIR for 22 years and was due to leave the British Army in June. That didn't stop McDonald being signed up by the London-based Olive Security firm to guard British power station engineers in Mosul. McDonald's vehicle was ambushed and he was killed on 28 March.

His mercenary mission, however, didn't stop the RIR Officer Commanding, Lt Col Nigel Whittaker paying tribute to him with full RIR military honours. So was there a 'nod and a wink' from the British Army for the RIR soldier's mercenary manoeuvres?

Hostage to fortune

THE 'IRISH' SUN editorial last Saturday fulminated at hostage taking -- by Iraqi insurgents, that is, not by George W Bush at Guantanamo or of Palestinians by the Israelis.

"If they harm their victims," the Sun thundered, "the whole world will condemn them and their Islamic cause".

Does that mean that if they don't harm their captives the Sun will take a more measured, non-jingoistic approach to reporting the conflicts in the Middle East?

Swinging Londoner

LONDON MAYOR Ken Livingstone has been singled out for attack by the right-wing media because, like George W Bush, he dreams of regime change in the Middle East. Trouble is, it's not in Iraq but the Anglo-US allies of Israel and Saudi Arabia that Ken has sweet dreams of.

Ken told the Guardian newspaper he would like to see Ariel Sharon, the prime minister of Israel, "locked up in the next cell" to Slobodan Milosevic, the Serb former president being tried for war crimes.

And what of his Arabian nights fantasy?

"I just long for the day I wake up and find that the Saudi Royal Family are swinging from lamp posts and they've got a proper government that represents the people of Saudi Arabia."