The 5th Column

Martin Meehan kisses his wife

Martin Meehan's close call

MARTIN MEEHAN'S close call in his bid for an Assembly seat in the green glens of Antrim could have been even closer if he'd called at the wrong house.

Canvassing in places that other republicans have not reached, one intrepid republican ex-prisoner knocked at the door of a gentleman even more veteran than our Martin.

"We're canvassing on behalf of Martin Meehan, Sinn Féin," our Chuckie chirped. "Will you be voting republican?"

The old boy's eyes twinkled at their audacity. "Voting for you? Sure I've shot six of you," he declared, before cheerfully claiming a long record in the crown forces stretching back decades.

The SF vote catcher licked his pencil, lifted his register and added sagely: "I take it that's a no, then."

Contamination once again

DUP CANDIDATE Ruth Patterson had a fit when Sinn Féin's Gerry Kelly inadvertently brushed past her during the packed Assembly election count in Belfast's King's Hall.

Ruth positively bristled, shuddered and screamed: "I've been contaminated! I've been contaminated!"

In that case, Ruth, for the good of the community, shut yourself off in a sealed room, lie down and we'll call you when we think it's safe for the public.

Sectarian squaddies

ANY NATIONALIST THINKING of joining the weekend warriors of the British Army's reserve forces in the Six Counties should note last week's awarding of over £32,500 damages to a Catholic member of the Territorial Army for suffering sectarian harassment and discrimination for more than eleven years.

The Fair Employment Tribunal awarded the part-time Catholic soldier damages after finding he had been passed over for promotion, with the post going to a candidate less qualified.

The man, whose name was withheld, had endured ongoing harassment included sectarian "jokes and quips".

Soldiers sang loyalist songs in front of him, along with songs that had religious and political references.

The tribunal ruled that the part-time soldier's experiences were indicative of a culture which existed in the Territorial Army, an integral part of the British armed forces and under the direct control of the British Government.

So what's happened to those soldiers guilty of the sectarian harassment and discrimination?

Healthy options

HAVING HELPED MASTERMIND the SDLP's historic election reversal, the 26-County Labour Party leadership scuttled back to Dublin this week to shore up its own creaking left flank, under pressure from Sinn Féin down south.

At a public meeting in Swords on the health service crisis, Labour leader Pat Rabbitte took the top table as a member of the audience - obviously thinking of Blairite Labour's overtures to London Mayor Ken Livingstone - suggested that Rabbitte's Labour was too soft and middle of the road and that they should readmit the likes of Socialist Party TD Joe Higgins to give the Labour Party a bit of bite.

Rabbitte's comradely response to this fraternal suggestion?

"Shut up and sit down!"

Dessert Rat at Queen's

A-TEAM IMPERSONATOR and Brit Gulf War pin-up, RIR Colonel Tim 'Hannibal Hayes' Collins, was the guest speaker at Queen's University graduates' association dinner last Friday.

We're not sure why Queen's grads wanted to learn from the cigar-chomping Desert Rat, but the dinner party appearance by Collins - who was cleared by his British Army pals of torturing Gulf War prisoners (surprise, surprise) - was apparently an unauthorised operation.

Claiming that the British Army knew nothing about the content of Collins's speech, a spokesperson said: "Colonel Collins was attending the event as a private individual."

No he wasn't. He was attending as the RIR colonel who was the jewel in the crown of the British Army's Gulf War PR machine. Are top Brit officers allowed to do solo runs as after-dinner speakers? Or has he been classified as a "desserter"?

The mealy-mouthed Queen's graduates' association is understandably tight-lipped about the event.

Spanish bull

SPAIN'S SPORTS MINISTER hit the roof after the old pre-Civil War Spanish national anthem was played before the start of the Davis Tennis Cup Final in Australia.

Juan Antonio Gomez-Angulo, who was in the stands, waved furiously and yelled as the anti-fascist fanfare was played for the Spanish team by a trumpeter who had learned the tune off a 1996 CD that had included it as the Spanish anthem. The Spanish Government later protested to the Australian hosts and the International Olympic Committee. The oddball Sports Minister raged: "It was an offence to the Spanish nation."

The Aussies apologised profusely and played the current Spanish anthem a number of times to make up for their embarrassing error. But the Spanish Government isn't satisfied and insists on taking the matter further.

Back home, the right-wing government of José Maria Aznar did its bit for fascism by boycotting a cross-party tribute in parliament to the victims of Franco.

A spokesperson for Aznar's Popular Party (PP) said the event only opened old wounds and "smelt of mothballs".

One socialist former leader said that recognition would heal wounds, not reopen them. "But the PP don't want to close the wounds, they want to continue the divisions between two Spains."

Sound familiar?