Fifth Column

DUP's kick in the ghoulies

THE DUP put on a weird show on Halloween in a laboured bid to put a seasonal boot into David Trimble by depicting a victory for pro-Agreement unionists as a nightmare scenario.

The defected UUP Assembly member Peter Weir (a man who always seem bewitched, bothered and bewildered) fronted the rocky horror show behind a podium decorated with a cartoon spook. Then the seriously sinister figure of Gregory Campbell loomed large to try and drive a stake into the heart of the Ulster Unionists.

"The B-List actors include Michael McGimspey — known as 'The Undertaker' — Reg Empey, Dermott Nesbitt and, of course, John Taylor. This is possibly your last chance to see these men in a major role. They used to be a big box office draw but from now on will go straight to video."

But what of that classic DUP horror production of 1981 vintage, 'The Third Force'? Thousands of apparently normal, solid citizens, respectable business and family men, were handed legally-held weapons by the police. But when the night-time call came from the DUP disciples of doom, they trekked, zombie-like, across the Six Counties, caught in the spell of a demon orator known as 'The Doctor'.

Under the cloak of darkness, these tortured souls howled at the moon and stood waving their gun certificates threateningly at the honest, decent townsfolk below.

It wasn't for nothing that Dr Paisley himself called his blood-curdling escapades in the dead of night 'Monster Rallies'.

Carry On, Durkan

THE SDLP also took on a fantasy movie theme with the launch of their Assembly election campaign.

Proclaiming, "No spins, no stunts, only substance," SDLP leader Mark 'Titanic' Durkan clutched a clapperboard with the caption, "SDLP Election Victory, Scene 1."

Dreaming of the SDLP vanquishing Sinn Féin, Durkan claimed: "Where others demand attention, the SDLP delivers results." So you weren't the serial whinger crying in every TV studio in the country about the SDLP being sidelined about the important talks to get the process back on track, were you Mark?

Market crash

THE SDLP's 'Quiet Man' was canvassing at Bangor Market the day before his film stunt when an elderly man crashed into him, accusing the moanng Mark of excluding HIM from talks.

Assembly member Robert McCartney, leader of the UK Unionist Party (membership: two men and a dog named Spot), wagged his finger at Durkan and admonished:

"Go home and read the parable of the beam and the mote because you need something removed from your eye."

An SDLP spin doctor later said: "This isn't the first punishment bleating we've had from Bob McCartney."

Holy terror

JOHNNY ADAIR'S recent media interviews in which he said he intends to join wife Gina and the Lost Tribe of the UDA's 'C' Company in exile in Bolton when he's released from jail have been greeted with hostility all round in the Lancashire town.

The local media (which insists on calling the UDA refugees and asylum seekers "Irish terrorists") and Bolton people are increasingly hostile to Gina and Johnny's gang.

Now more graffiti has appeared on the walls of a local church ordering the UDA groupies to get out of England. The latest abusive phrase (which included a four-letter word) was daubed in white paint on the Independent Methodist Church in Lee Lane, Horwich.

The Bolton media reported: "It has upset members of the congregation and highlights growing anger and resentment in the area. Other graffiti relating to the terrorist group has already appeared on a business in Halliwell."

Horwich Liberal Democrat Councillor Barbara Ronson said the slogans "lower the tone of the area". But the Lib-Dem rep was at pains to stress that not all 50 of the UDA band on the run are living with Gina:

"I think because Gina Adair lives in Chorley New Road, some people jump to conclusions that the whole gang lives here, but I keep assuring them that's not the case."

One local resident said: "It's bad enough that everyone is talking about it — we hear rumours about more of them moving here everyday — but to see it daubed across your doorstep makes it so real. It's very frightening."

Adair's UDA second-in-command, Gary 'Smickers' Smith, is now believed to have moved into a small terraced house in the centre of Horwich.

Gina's trust fund

JOHNNY ADAIR'S BAG CARRIER and one-time UDA mouthpiece, John White, gave Gina Adair £70,000 in hard cash to mind when they legged it to Scotland during the UDA feud because little John had no room in his luggage.

The startling revelation was made during Adair's Belfast High Court action last week over the refusal of the Legal Aid Assessment Office to pay for his appeal against his return to prison.

When Gina and John White were stopped at Stranraer, the £70,000 was seized by the authorities, who deduced that the cash is part of the Adair family fortune. Not so, says loyal manservant John White. He just asked Gina to stash the cash in her case because he had no room in his own.

John is a very dapper man but obviously not that smart. But we admire his trust in Gina. Facing a lifetime on the run from UDA goons, John looked at all his worldly possessions on the bed and made a tough decision about his priorities. John held on to his valuables - his 'C' Company T-shirt, Union Jack shorts, Princess Diana tea towels, Roy 'Chubby' Brown LPs and Brut aftershave — and trusted Gina with seventy thousand quid.

The Legal Aid Assessment Office isn't so trusting and is looking for a full explanation with legal statements. Johnny Adair's application for leave to seek a judicial review has been adjourned to date still to be fixed.