The 5th Column

The Bell family Christmas card

Billy Bell's clanger

THE GOODWILL CARD sent out by the Ulster Unionist Mayor of Lisburn, Billy Bell, will have nationalist and Alliance councillors laughing their Christmas socks off.

Bill Bell has dispatched a cheesy, full-colour Christmas card with his tartan-clad extended family sprawled all over but, heck, it's Christmas and you can't blame the kids for what Granddad does to embarrass them. Even more cringe-inducing, though, is Billy's dinky little verse:

"There is a list of folks I know, all written in a book

And every year at Christmas time, I go and take a look.

And that is when I realise that these names are a part,

Not of the book they're written in but of my very heart.

For once you've met somebody, the years cannot erase,

The memory of a pleasant word or of a loving face.

Never think my Christmas cards are just a mere routine,

Of names upon a Christmas list, forgotten in between.

For be you a relative or friend, or just someone I've met,

You happen to be one of those I'd rather not forget.

And whether I have known you for many years or few,

In some way, you've had a part in shaping things I do.

So as you read this message I send at Christmas time,

Know that I send you all the best while you are on my mind."

This will no doubt bring festive cheer to the members of Lisburn Council who didn't feature on the UUP and DUP list of 'folks they know' when it came to voting for chairs and vice-chairs of committees at this year's pantomime that passed for an AGM. The unionists all ganged up to ensure that not one nationalist (not even an SDLPer!) nor even an Alliance councillor got a sniff of a committee post.

What was that line again, Billy? "You happen to be one of those I'd rather not forget."

All together now — "Oh, yes you would..."

Unionists' Christmas crackers

REINDEER DROPPINGS through the letter box would have probably been more warmly received by unionist councillors than the Christmas cards sent out by the SDLP chair of Banbridge Borough Council.

DUP and Ulster Unionist councillors went crackers when they saw the card from Catherine McDermott. Not only was the customary yuletide salutation in English but it was also in Irish!

Uncharitably, the paper Christians of the DUP and UUP sent the cards straight back.

Season of goodwill, what about ye?

These tree fellers

OVER in Burnfoot, County Derry, the cutting edge of unionism bared its puritanical teeth to chop down the town's Christmas tree.

The spirit of Christmas by-passed Burnfoot unionists, who gave an unseasonal chorus of cat-calls when Sinn Féin's Anne Brolly presided at the official switching on of the Christmas tree lights.

And just to make sure that all the children (Catholic, Protestant et al) got the message, unionist rednecks returned in the dead of night and used a chainsaw to hack down the Christmas tree.

Miracle on Mount Street

MARTIN McGUINNESS and Bertie Ahern were Santa's little helpers when they made sure a Derry lad could make the trip of a lifetime on his birthday to celebrate Christmas in Lapland.

Young David Friel was over the moon when he won the spectacular trip to Lapland from thousands of entries in a competition organised by the Richmond Centre. But David didn't have a passport and officials said there was no way he'd be able to get one in time. His family sat David down and broke the bad news to him. He'd have to give the trip to someone else. "He was so disappointed and my heart went out to him," his sister, Catherine, said. "It just seemed so unfair that his name had been chosen from thousands of entries and now he wasn't going to be able to go."

But then a minor miracle occurred. A family friend phoned Martin McGuinness, who happened to have just finished a meeting with Bertie Ahern at Government Buildings in Dublin's Mount Street. The two got together and said they'd see what they could do.

A passport duly appeared and David celebrated his 11th birthday in style and in Lapland.

Merry Christmas.