Tinsel treats and tired turkeys: A viewing guide for the Festive Season

BY JOANNE CORCORAN

Oh, the weather outside is frightful and the fire is so delightful — so why not stay indoors this Christmas and watch telly? Yes, as any true TV buff will know, 'tis the season for the box. We in An Phoblacht live for this time of year, when we can take a well-earned break from the front line and put our feet up, with nothing but a few drinks, turkey sandwiches, and a wide-screen television to keep us company.

But avid fans of the small screen know that Christmas is not just a time of plenty. It can also be an opportunity for TV stations to torment us with rubbish they've been storing up all year, and if you don't have a true navigation guide to get you past the worst, you can end up watching turkeys, not eating them.

So in the tradition you have come to know and love, An Phoblacht has carefully sifted through the listings to give you a small sample of exactly what is worth watching this year. You've probably heard about our editor's reputation as a serious telly lover, so believe me — you can trust this guide. He won't print anything in this article that he doesn't agree with [autocracy has its merits, especially when you're at the top — Ed].

Oldies are the best

My personal favourites over Christmas are the old reliables — films you know are going to make you laugh/cry/shiver, whatever. Maybe it's a craving for childhood, I don't know what the psychoanalysis would be, but I know that films with a Christmas theme, or ones you associate with Christmas, are those I most want to watch. Anyway, I won't be disappointed this year.

Starting on Saturday 20 December , we have Jaws, and 12 Angry Men. You might have seen Jaws a thousand times, but let's face it, it never gets easier to watch. And I started to see it in a whole new light when I discovered that in the first scene where the girl is getting pulled through the water by the supposed shark, the actress actually broke her ribs. Legend has it that Spielberg and his assistants were pulling the ropes around her waist too hard. Apparently, the great director left the actual footage in because he reckoned he couldn't shoot a better terror scene. Sorry, I've completely drifted away from the joy to the world message. Moving on.

12 Angry Men is a classic, but RTÉ, true to form, are showing it at 12:50am on Sunday morning, so unless you're a night owl, set the video.

On Sunday 21, Network 2 (sorry, is it RTE 2 again — who can tell?) has the good grace to put The Untouchables on at a reasonable hour. Brill, brill, brill, brill, is all I can say about this Capone vs Ness story. You will enjoy this movie.

Monday 22 sees the 1968 Steve McQueen classic Bullitt get a dusting off on TG4. That's followed by Scrooged on BBC1. I love this film, even though I'm not a big fan of Bill Murray. It's probably because it takes a laugh at the sentimental Dickens' story, and at itself, providing plenty of mirth for the audience along the way. Murray's heartless executive's idea for a Santa massacre film on Christmas Day is a stroke of genius.

On Tuesday 23, the emotional, gritty drama, Kes, is on Channel 4. This is a remarkable film and if you haven't seen it already, you really should take this opportunity.

On Christmas Eve (Wednesday), I'll be tuning into Bing Crosby's White Christmas, the only real oldie of the day. Christmas Day of course, sees Frank Capra's gem, It's a Wonderful Life, as well as a host of other classics: Lawrence of Arabia, My Fair Lady, How to Marry a Millionaire, Oliver, Some Like It Hot, Casablanca and The Wizard of Oz, (the latter, bizarrely, on TG4 at 12:10 am). I don't think my video will last through to the New Year, the amount of work I have planned for it.

On Stephen's Day, there is Richard Ayttenborough's three-and-a-half-hour long Gandhi, for those with stamina, while Malcolm X and Enter the Dragon are on in the evening. Revelers recovering on the 27th can relax while watching Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid on RTE 1, or Close Encounters of the Third Kind on TV3. December 29 is better again, with the Witches of Eastwick and Citizen Kane on RTE 1, Al Pacino's terrific Dog Day Afternoon on TG4, and the hilarious Cool Runnings on Network 2.

If you're planning on sitting in on New Year's Eve, you can watch another of the late John Candy's classics, Uncle Buck, in the afternoon. TV3 are in real nostalgia mood all evening, with Stand By Me, Rear Window and Alfie, all in a row.

Kind of takes the sting out of having no friends, doesn't it? Good lord, did I write that? Anyway, back to business.

New Year's Day is another for golden oldies. Gigi, Romancing the Stone, The Sound of Music, Grease, Blazing Saddles, The War of the Roses, Awakenings, Superman and The Breakfast Club are all on — which is good because there is usually absolutely nothing else to do on New Year's Day except watch telly. And you'll probably have the shakes by this stage, so drinking will be out.

Out with the old...

Yes, I know - TV stations are notorious this time of year for buying the same film and plugging it as their 'exclusive premier'. Well, I have just spent a whole section on old reliables, so if you don't want to watch the same 'new' film five times, you can always tape some of the above and watch them instead.

Actually, this year, the TV execs seem to have gotten their heads around the fact that we don't like seeing the same thing on every channel. Well, they haven't put a stop to it completely, but it is slightly better than last year and there really are some good, relatively new films on.

UTV chiefs have managed to get their hands on The Insider for Tuesday 23 December. The film looks into the murky world of the tobacco industry, and Al Pacino is in it, so I really don't think I need to say any more. Trust me, it's worth a watch.

On Christmas Day, RTE 1 is showing the Roman Epic Gladiator. I can't stand Russell Crowe. I think he's a whiney, demanding, spoilt little rich man, so by all sense of logic, I shouldn't like this film. But I do, and he is good in it. Never let it be said that your reviewer is not objective.

Network 2, for some stupid reason, is showing its premier, the feel-good French film, Amélie, at the same time as RTÉ's. This is an equally excellent film - and no, it's not just a 'chick flick'. I can't understand why the two stations would show their two best films at the same time. I guess there must be some rivalry between the two over who gets more of our television license money.

BBC1 is showing The Thomas Crown Affair for their Christmas night film. This is the remake of the original classic, with Pierce Brosnan and Rene Russo, and I can't believe that the first one could have been better than this. Brosnan (sigh), oozes sex appeal, as does Russo, and the whole package is very smooth and snazzy, (a bit like Brosnan). But I'm getting carried away, again.

On St Stephen's Day, RTE have again shelled out the bucks (our bucks that is), for What Lies Beneath. Now, I have to admit that a scary cartoon can frighten me, so I might not be the best judge of character when it comes to horror movies. But this is a truly scary movie. Michelle Pfeiffer plays a wife who is experiencing some supernatural goings on in her house, and Harrison Ford is her mild mannered husband, who thinks she's being neurotic. Ford and Pfeiffer are both superb in this film, and you're a brave person if you can watch it all the way through without at least squirming.

Also on St Stephen's Day is Meet the Parents, a comedy starring Robert De Niro and Ben Stiller, which is worth a watch. But not if you're visiting your spouse's parents.

On Saturday 28, BBC1 is showing a film that must be avoided, even if it means visiting the relatives. The Haunting is a haunted house horror, but the only thing horrific about it is the acting of its stars, Liam Neeson, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Owen Wilson, and its script. The film is more funny than frightening, and is one of those turkeys we warned you about earlier.

New Year's Day is a toss-up between X-Men, the excellent sci-fi comic adaptation, or The Hurricane, the less impressive Denzil Washington film about boxing/racism/imprisonment. Just avoid Speed on BBC1. Keanu Reeves is too wooden for New Year's Day.

Soap Suds

I know that every man in the country pretends that they don't watch soaps, and will let on that they are not interested in this section of our telly guide. It's all a charade, though. There's not a man I don't know who isn't addicted to at least one of the soaps, and I know our editor is addicted to all of them. So lads, if you want to avoid finding out what's happening on your favourite Street/Square this year, look away now.

Eastenders delights in making us miserable every year, and this year is no different. Big baldy Phil, who, in the alternative world of Albert Square, never has any trouble with 'de ladiez', has escaped from prison and is looking to get revenge on the Watts. Garry, the other Square stud, is in trouble because both his women want him for Christmas Day, and drippy Ian is on to him and looking to make some misery.

The soap's 'lighter story', Kat and Alfie's marriage, also looks set for disaster, with Alfie getting his mate to perform their wedding because his divorce didn't come through on time. All fun and frolics there so.

Over on Corrie, Tracy Barlow tells Steve that he is the father of her baby, Dev tries to put a spanner in Sunita's wedding plans, and Tommy spends the day waiting for the police to call over Martin's crash. So that one's slightly more depressing.

In Emmerdale, Marlon admits all to Tricia about sleeping with Charity. Honest to God, how come all the ugly men in soaps get so many women? Ok, ugly is a bit strong. Peculiar looking will do.

Meanwhile, Charity ends up having a nightcap with Cain, and Terry and Dawn are still having problems. Doesn't anybody have a happy Christmas in soapland?

Fair City could be my soap of choice this year. A real dark horse, the RTE soap has been growing in popularity and professionalism these last few years, and is becoming really enjoyable. Ok, so some of its actors aren't exactly Marlon Brando. This year we've had the hilarious Chrissooh, Jenny, Heather, and more recently, Damien's love interest. But at least the stories are interesting, and often quite funny. On Christmas Day, Niamh is going to find out about Paul and Nicola's fling, and Heather is going to come back to Carrigstown to the shock of her half-brother and ex-boyfriend, Floyd. Teehee, that should be good.

Tired of films and soaps?

If you want to avoid the melodrama of the soaps, and aren't fond of sitting still for hours on end watching films, there are plenty of other enjoyable programmes. The usual comedies are available - the traditional Only Fools and Horses, the hilarious Alistair McGowan's Big Impressions, The Office, Malcolm in the Middle, Friends and Father Ted. For a little alternative comedy, watch Grumpy Old Men at Christmas, on BBC2, Christmas Day. This series seems to please most men between the ages of 35 and 55, who seem to spend most of the time watching it going, "Yes, exactly, that's really annoying". And before you ask, yes, our editor does enjoy it. Religiously. In this show, the moany auld windbags give out about Christmas. Bah, humbug. [I sense mutiny, or at least mockery - Ed]

If you looking for culture, there are several ballets on this Christmas, including the Nutcracker. In fairness though, it's playing in the Point in Dublin at the moment, so if you can, go see the Russian ballet perform it live. And then you'll know where that little tune on the Boots' ads comes from.

There are several whodunnits, ranging from my favourite - Poirot, to Sherlock Holmes and Ms Marple.

On Friday 27, Paul McCartney performs live from Red Square for music lovers, and there is also an Elvis Tribute programme, called Elvis Lives, on December 30. On New Year's Day, you can watch the Vienna Philharmonic perform Strauss's traditional New Year's waltz on RTE1.

On Christmas Eve, the tale of Jack and the Beanstalk is brought to us by the late Jim Henson's award winning company, and will be enjoyable for both children and adults.

For a roundup of the year in the news, RTE has a programme on New Year's Eve. I'm guessing they'll show some footage from the Assembly elections, which in itself could be worth watching the show for.

Something for the kids

Christmas is meant to be for children, but usually adults like to start on the sherry/wine/port/whiskey/Guinness around dinner time, so it's always good to have some good telly to keep the kids occupied. Now I don't want to promote child neglect, but there is plenty of fun on the box for adults and children to watch together, while the grown-ups relax with a drink or two.

Among the gems this Christmas are The Santa Clause, The Grinch, Getting Even with Dad, Mickey's Once Upon a Christmas, 101 Dalmations, Mouse Hunt, Chicken Run, The Tigger Movie, Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Antz, Alice in Wonderland, Matilda, Mary Poppins, Casper and The Flintstones.

All of these are on, often more than once over Christmas, and I know you'll probably enjoy them as much as the kids will.

So there you have it, boys and girls. This is only a tiny taste of telly treats, there is so much more on over the holidays that will be worth a look. I don't think I'll be leaving the house.

So take my example and turn off your mobiles, nail your door shut (to keep out talkative family and friends), pull this page out of the paper, and relax in front of the telly. You deserve it. Happy Christmas!