Top Issue 1-2024

24 September 1998 Edition

Resize: A A A Print

Television: If this is progress...

Portillo's Progress (Channel 4)
Heart of the Matter (BBC1)
Pet Set (UTV)
The Cold War (RTE1)
TV3
Progress is what most of us would label the welcome demise of that most reprehensible Tory, Michael Portillo. Thatcher in trousers was set to become the Conservative leader of the new millenium, until he was thankfully discarded by the British electorate, who finally woke up from a twenty year nightmare last year. Republicans and scratch-yer-arse leftie types take particular relish in the demise of hateful Tory types and the facial expressions of Portillo following his defeat was one of the highlights of last year's viewing.

He has recently reinvented himself as a TV presenter-cum-roving reporter, presenting ``Portillo's Progress'', which would be more apt as an addition to the Des O'Connor Show.

Astonishingly, Portillo's father was an anti-fascist who took the republican side in the Spanish Civil War, arriving in Britain as a refugee. Had he gazed through his crystal ball, he may have preferred to stay in Franco's Spain.

Portillo entered Cambridge as a Labour supporter (duffel coat with red star, pointy shoes, sideburns and theories to beat the band) but having come under the influence of a right wing historian chum, he ``progressed'' to the Conservative Party, which ``offered opportunity for all'' (in suits) and ``lesser amount of government'' - the same ``laissez-faire'' policy, an excuse for unregulated capitalism, which contributed greatly to the millions of deaths during the Irish Famine. With fellow failure Chris Patten, he threw himself into formulating a ``revolutionary policy of freedom and enterprise'' and onto the front pages of our papers and screens, until ``that really terrible night'' for the Conservatives when ``they disembowelled themselves''.

In the programme Portillo aimlessy wanders from Job Centre to Dairy Farm to Dole Office, where he is repeatedly informed how the Tory Party have ``rusted'' and now resemble ``an old Morris Minor on bricks with no wheels''.

He interviews other despicable Tory types including the ``downright blokish'' Kenneth ``the slug'' Clarke, Norman ``a voice that attracted the working class!'' Tebbit, William - no hair-no flair - Hague and the Petrinella Wyatt, all of whom discuss the problems of the Tories without once mentioning anything as tasteless as ideologies or political thinking.

(For the uninitiated a chapter on the ideology of Conservatism is both fascinating and disturbing.)

He rounds off his adventures with a weekend spent with blue rinse Tory ``activists'' but one wonders would he have been better off spending time learning from the electoral skills and political wizards of Belfast or West Tyrone.

He concludes his ``day out'' by telling us that ``it should be fun to join the Conservatives'' and ``people should be turned on by the Tory party''. The Tories are dead - may they rot in hell (please excuse my lack of objectivity).

Cindy, featured on Heart of the Matter, is a 43 year old who has spent over £60,000 on plastic surgery, 29 procedures in all, including the cutting of her chin bone and reduction of her eyebags.

She wakes in the morning without the hassles of mascara, as all her make-up is tattooed to her face - none of which impressed feminist Linda who claims that the wit and intelligence of women is still being challenged by the morality that says ``your hips are too big and you need liposuction, darling''.

Body artist Ken, who resembles a pin cushion, views ``the skin as a canvass to use for your own artistic creation''.

Other strange types were to be seen with ``Norn I'rn's'' ``fashion conscious dogs'' on the catwalk, where the unfortunate mutts were forced to don tracksuits, magician's hats, mini skirts and plastic macks (ahem).

Republicans are exempt however as I recall being present at a Springhill dog's fancy dress parade, where most dogs donned the Celtic green, with one poor soul being disqualified for peeing on the sacred vest!

Austin Shortt took us through the intricacies of pig racing, which takes place at garden shows and barbecues (where the loser may end up on the rack).

The Cold War was interesting in that it offered an alternative from ``it was all the German's fault'' syndrome.

In the aftermath of WW2, dazed Berliners were subjected to looting and pillage by victorious troops, who hunted down all the young women, including Helga, who talks of multiple rapes by Soviet troops.

The Soviets carried out similar tactics as in the aftermath of WW1 (which laid the foundation for the rise of Hitler), pillaging industrial machines and kidnapping scientists and intellectuals.

Eastern Poland was ``given'' to Stalin, while the Poles were compensated by annexing Eastern Germany - the carving up of these territories by the Allies was similar to schoolboys swapping conkers or football stickers, and in all over 12 million Germans were displaced - ``population transfer'' in those days, but ethnic cleansing in today's world.

Stalin concerned himself with annexing central Europe while the Brits were content to involve themselves in the Greek Civil War, and their usual carry-on in the Empire, while the Yanks set about destroying Latin America.

Tune in for the history you didn't hear in school.

TV3, meanwhile, seems to be predominantly a hotchpotch of what's best in plastic culture: Aussie soaps, British cop shows and American comedies with a sparse presentation of home grown programmes. Without being too dismissive, I have my doubts.

By Sean O Donaile

An Phoblacht
44 Parnell Sq.
Dublin 1
Ireland