Bertie Ahern’s News of the World showcase: Why can’t Bertie be more like Bill?

WHAT next for Bartholmew Ahern? He has moonlighted as a TV soccer pundit, a chat-show host and has held the part-time positions of a city councillor and Dublin’s Lord Mayor in 1986.

The ‘official day job’ was then as a TD, then Minister for Labour, Minister for Finance, and finally Taoiseach. So now he has the pension waiting but enjoys the taxpayer-funded driver, limo and office. Oh, and there’s the contract with the Washington Speakers’ Bureau, where he gets to tell people from across America about ‘the hand of history stuff’. (The ‘How we fed the Celtic Tiger miracle’ theme has been sidelined now.)

Last year he pulled in €146,000 from five speaking engagements arranged by the bureau – on top of his TD’s salary. And did I mention the free car and driver?

So it was with some distress that I saw him relegated to the food cupboard for a TV advertisement for the News of the World. Bertie’s line is: “I never thought I’d end up here but I’ve the latest on the day’s big match.”

Right now, I’m sure David Milliband is thinking the same thing. He never even got be a party leader and has retired to write weighty tomes about politics even though his dad already produced some of the definitive political theorising of the 20^th century. Can Bertie not even manage this?

How Rupert Murdoch must laugh himself silly at this. Other media moguls and corporate giants have politicians in their pockets but supreme dark lord that Rupe is, he even has them in the pantry, between the vegetables and the Pot Noodles.

'Bertie Ahern is doing WHAT for a TV ad?

Is there no room in the Bertie dictionary for gravitas? “Ireland’s former leader squats in cupboard for TV ad” is the current online Wall Street Journal pick-up of this story.

Bill Clinton has an international foundation and global initiatives that tackle poverty, disease, environmental problems and other world leader type issues.

Tony Blair has changed religion, is actively involved (though not doing very well) in Middle East diplomacy, and gave the proceeds of his autobiography, which began with a £4million advance, to the British Legion for some of the victims of his Gulf War.

Even Mr Grumpy, British former Prime Minister Gordon Brown, has established a foundation for doing good works and has accepted directorships on the boards of Global Campaign for Education for All and World Wide Web Foundation. Brown has also signed up for the Washington Speakers’ Bureau, but his remuneration will go to his foundation.

Maybe Bertie is saving the cash for a run at the 2011 presidency.

Irish politicians have been vocal on ‘tut tutting’ Bertie. Ruairí Quinn and James O’Reilly were up on RTÉ’s The Week in Politics. It was also a topic on the Pat Kenny radio show this morning, though strangely the podcast of this section of the show is not available online, so I missed Fintan O’Toole’s pronouncements. Could I be in agreement with Tin Tin? I don’t know.

For now, can someone please buy or rent Bertie a copy of Zoolander so he can learn how to open a foundation for ‘Kids Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too’. Please, hurry.