Top Issue 1-2024

19 March 1998 Edition

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De right stuff, begorrah

By Eoghan MacCormaic

I'm worried about the tourist trade for the coming year. A visitor to England - or Scotland - in recent times could be forgiven for assuming that we are currently witnessing the conquest and colonisation of Britain by the Irish.

From London to Glasgow a chain store of pubs has been opening under names like O Neill's and Madigan's and O Brien's, complete with Celtic or Irishy looking script emblazoned across the front of the bar. Like refugees from a John Hind postcard, deep colours of green and blue and red and yellow in high gloss paints shine out and invite the unwary punter into an Irish Bar replete, I'm sure, with buxom cailíní, spitoon, and Walnut Plug advertisements manufactured in some plastic moulding factory in Exeter.

The Irish Theme Bar is `in' at the moment, as Guinness capitalise on the feelgood factor, and the trend towards English holidaymakers, stag and hen parties and even Christmas works outings coming to Ireland for the bit o' craic. Yerrah.

A few years ago I had the experience of sinking a pint of black stuff in an Irish pub in Toronto, a pleasant enough place called St James' Gate. It was the name that attracted me, an emigrant from home, longing for a bellyful of nostalgia and a hangover I could recognise, and I figured that there could only be one James' Gate in the porter trade.

In I went, to a shrine to Murphys, with certificates on the wall for the Best Pint of Murphys in Toronto 1994, 1995 and 1996. I ordered a pint of Guinness and was duly served what the cáilín informed me was `Murphy's guinness'. Guinness Guinness there was not, as they might say. They were confused. And the red-haired comely maiden behind the bar was likewise confused. She had obviously been given training in her role as an Irish Barmaid, perhaps by watching some grainy black and white film of thick pints of porter being thumped off a counter to give it a head. Familiarisation with local custom and what not.

I almost had a heart attack when she, unexpectedly, whalloped my half litre of the stuff down in front of me, shaking the counter with a thump three times, before handing me a pint with a collar Murphy Eamonn Casey would have envied. However it was not quite Murphys and not quite Guinness. It had the look but not the taste, b'fhéidir an geal a chur in dhubh air, unfortunately.

The red-haired lass admitted to me in the course of conversation that she had never set foot in Ireland, had absolutely no Irish blood and had been given the job because she looked the part. Jet black hair and olive skin and she could just as easily have been slapping pizzas into an oven. It's the luck of the draw.

People trying to sell a theme need to include the ingredients. I once spent a few days in Salamanca, a beautiful old city with plenty of architecture and buildings and history to see and enjoy. A section of the town is devoted to designer shops and businesses.

I remember looking at one shop, a sports shop with a display of all the latest in sporting footwear apparell for the fit and agile. The shop was called The Athlete's Foot. No doubt the Spanish speaking population thought it was chic, but sporty types from the English speaking world were giving it a wide berth. When you put in the ingredients, you need to make sure that they're the right ingredients.

I'm worried about these Irish Theme pubs. A couple of years ago Galway was taken over by sales reps for disused churches and every pub undergoing renovation suddenly acquired a string of pews and benches, Hi-Nellie Bikes tied to the ceiling, turf on the fire. Meanwhile the atmosphere was murdered by brain-dead music blaring in the background, killing the chance for decent conversation. If the new generation of Irish Theme Bars in Britain is modelled on that, and I suspect that it is, then we can expect hordes of tourists this year expecting the rowdy rumbustious scenes they've been fed back home as The Real Thing. If they're not in for a culture shock, we are.

An Phoblacht
44 Parnell Sq.
Dublin 1
Ireland