Top Issue 1-2024

10 April 2008 Edition

Resize: A A A Print

Fifth Column

Diamond Dan, The Orangeman

THE Orange Order has decided that the name for its cartoon superhero to woo kids into the wonderful world of Grand Masters, loyal lodges, shiny sashes and bowler hats will be Diamond Dan, The Orangeman.
Sash Gordon and Boyne Wonder have been cast aside by the old boys in the bowlers in Schomberg House in favour of Lisburn schoolboy Steven Mitchell’s ‘Diamond Dan’ from 120 entries. Now Diamond Dan will appear on badges and other merchandise such as fridge magnets and notebooks, the blonde-quiffed big lad resplendent in his purple cape and orange tights (more Quentin Crisp than Superman, methinks).
“We picked Diamond Dan for a number of reasons,” the Grand Lodge’s David Hume explained, skimming over the fact that (with all due respect to young Steven) the name Diamond Dan could be mistaken for that of an LVF pimp.
“The name Diamond Dan has resonance going back more than 200 years to the formation of the institution at The Diamond, Loughgall, in 1795,” Brother Hume continues. “Dan Winter was one of the founding fathers of the Order. It will raise questions which we can answer as part of our education outreach and explanation of our history.
“And, of course, apart from the historical aspect of the name, it has a good ring to it.”
And what sort of hero will Diamond Dan be?
“It goes without saying that the Orange superhero will be in favour of young people attending church, helping others and showing respect for the community.”
Respecting communities, eh? Will he be walking to Drumcree faster than the speed of light? Will he be rescuing Catholics from tall burning buildings, or stopping meteorites falling on Gay Pride parades?
“Diamond Dan will be the kind of person who offers his seat on a crowded bus to an elderly lady,” Brother Hume says, although what a caped superhero is doing getting the bus to Ballysillan is beyond me.
“He won’t drop litter and he will be keen on recycling.”
But don’t touch that green kryptonite.

Coffee with Martin Ferris

HAVE you ever had someone who’s spent years telling everyone they can’t stand you and then they suddenly turn round and say they like you – a lot. It’s disconcerting, isn’t it? Take a look at this from the current Hot Press music mag:
“Although I hate Irish nationalism, I don’t dislike Sinn Féiners. Far from it – as human beings I tend to like them a lot more than Dublin 4 types. I come from the same political background. And they tend, as people, to be stand-up guys and girls...
“And Sinn Féin people from outside Dublin reflect the basic values of rural Ireland, what Tomas Davis called ‘racy of the soil’. And I’m a country boy so I’d rather have a cup of coffee with Martin Ferris – and I have done – than with some of the trendy shites who sit on Government and Opposition benches.”
Yes, it’s the mercurial Eoghan Harris, folks. It’s the former Workers’ Party Svengali, Ulster Unionist guru, Fianna Fáil cheer leader and dyed-in-the-wool Provo hater – gushing about what stand-up guys we all are. Mind you, a few paragraphs earlier he’s defending former ‘Official IRA’ big-wig Seán ‘Super Dollars’ Garland by lashing into Gerry Adams. Unpredictable isn’t in it.

Green thinking

GREEN PARTY Councillor Bronwen Maher, who hails from the leafy, middle-class suburbs of Dublin’s Clontarf, has got Dublin City Council to agree a motion to plant trees in the capital every time one of its officials makes a business flight.
Thoroughly commendable.
Maybe someone at this weekend’s Green Party conference could propose a similar motion to plant a tree every time a US soldier makes a flight through Shannon while the Greens are in government – or every time John Gormley takes it on the chin when the CIA tells him that it doesn’t run ‘extraordinary renditions’ through Shannon. Now that could be one heck of a forestry programme.

Showing for Shannon

ONE film that won’t be on the list for in-flight entertainment on the Shannon to Iraq shuttle service is the new satirical documentary from Morgan (Super Size Me) Spurlock, Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden?
It’s described by the progressive US website, Crooks & Liars, as “a side-splitting quest to hunt down the world’s Number 1 most wanted man” and it went on wide release in the United States at the weekend.
Catch it if you can (because Dubya can’t catch Osama).

The Sweeney — You’re nicked!

YOUNG people are often pilloried by the media for rampant yobbery and casual violence against passers-by but what about the latest act of anti-social behaviour by a wild-eyed delinquent who attacked a couple peacefully out house hunting?
A Mr James Cunning was out walking with his partner near the Giant’s Causeway in Antrim two years ago to take a peek at a property they thought was for sale. After staff told the couple they were trespassing, Mr Cunning was repeatedly swore at by a man and grabbed by the throat with both hands and shaken “like a rag doll” as he was pushed over the bonnet of a car, he told North Antrim Magistrates’ Court last week.
His attacker was controversial property tycoon and DUP member Seymour Sweeney, who was given a one-month prison sentence suspended for 18 months. The millionaire Sweeney was also ordered to pay Mr Cunning £500 compensation.
Seymour Sweeney is 56.


An Phoblacht
44 Parnell Sq.
Dublin 1
Ireland