Letter to the Taoiseach

Stormont was an unusual place to be on Monday of this week.  They were giving out Ministerial portfolios as if they were bags of crisps.  Sinn Féin is back at the helm of Education, as you know Bertie.  Could you tell Mary Hanafin this because there would need to be a joint Ministerial meeting soon to help all our children.
RTÉ reckons that Kildare North is the only constituency in the country where Fianna Fáil does not have representation.  If you are talking to any of the big media chiefs in Ballsbridge, tell them that there are eighteen other constituencies ‘in the country’ where your party does not have representation and has no notion of even trying to correct this, it would appear.  RTÉ could hardly be described as a stickler for accuracy, Taoiseach.  
Fine Gael had their Ard Fheis at the weekend. Gene Kerrigan believes that Enda began to pace himself in 1975 and might reach a peak anytime soon.  Enda is proud of his grandfather, James McGinley.  Mr McGinley was a lighthouse keeper and Enda is proud that he was both the first and the last man for Ireland.  By virtue of his location off the west coast, he was also the first and the last man for Europe.
Enda further developed this reference to his grandfather to highlight consistency, reliability and other such qualities.  Was it only me or did you, Taoiseach, also have an image in your mind of a lighthouse keeper who is always there but who is seldom called into action and might even be inclined to doze off on occasions.  A bit like Fine Gael, perhaps?
Enda wasn’t too impressed with your 53 promises, Taoiseach.  He only made one promise himself.  He is the great man who is prepared to step up to the line and accept responsibility.  
Did you notice that the British Army is supposed to have left Crossmaglen?  How would you ever find out if they left behind secret cameras and listening devices?  In what circumstances are such devices authorised, Taoiseach, in your own experience?  Michael Fisher of RTÉ liked the image of two departures from Crossmaglen at the weekend.  The first of these was the evacuation by the Brits themselves and the other was a bus journey to Portlaoise on the part of a very talented group of gaelic footballers.  
Mentioning Portlaoise, I travelled there myself on Tuesday evening, Bertie.  I was in the Midlands to help the launch of the election campaign of our Laois/Offaly candidate, Brian Stanley.  Again, in Portlaoise and Mountmellick, I heard first hand accounts of the crisis in the health service and the need for the government in Dublin to properly fund public services.
Taoiseach, why is it that everywhere I go in the 26 Counties, people are angry at you for failing to share the wealth of the state?  I hear it again and again. The 26 Counties is a wealthy state but I also hear it said that the public services simply are not there for the people.  
Pat McGinn from Armagh was telling me that he dialled 11811 the other day looking for the phone number for the Carrickdale Hotel.  Pat says that he could cycle from his home to the Carrickdale in a few minutes. So you can imagine his surprise when he was told that the number he was looking was an international one.  
In the same phone call, Pat said that he cycled from Antrim to Cork last year in aid of Cancer Research.  This year he is starting at the bottom and is cycling uphill in aid of the Special Olympics. Does that make Pat an international cyclist?

Is mise le meas
Barry McElduff


NB: Bertie Ahern can be contacted on (00 353) 1 619 4020 or e-mail [email protected].  Address: Office of the Taoiseach, Government Buildings, Dublin 2.