Bertie’s news flash

How many Fianna Fáil ministers does it take to change a light bulb? Bertie’s entire front-bench and a TV news opportunity.
Bertie Ahern came up with a bright idea during his opening address to the Fianna Fáil Ard Fheis: all government offices will replace their ordinary light bulbs with energy-efficient alternatives. This was such a blindingly dramatic idea, apparently, that RTÉ news heads thought it worth running on Friday night’s 9 O’Clock News. Hot news, eh?
No one at RTÉ asked why it just hadn’t been done anyway at any time in FF’s ten years in power.
McDowell plays
silly buggers
At the same time that he’s denying everyone else the right to silence, Justice Minister Michael McDowell has put a zip on his lip on how many phone taps he’s personally authorised during his time in office.
Questioned in the Dáil by Fine Gael (of all people) about the number of phones he’s bugging, the normally gobby PD leader went all coy. All that was asked was how many? Not who they are. Not their addresses. Not even which counties they’re in. Not even if they’re drug dealers, political opponents or Fianna Fáil TDs’ mistresses. Just the number of them.
Of course, if Mad Mac told the Dáil that, for example, there are 199 people having their phones and e-mails tapped, one of the bad lads might suspect that they’re Number 1, Number 99 or Number 199. But, even if they did, it wouldn’t do them any good, would it?
Fine Gael TD Paul McGrath asked:
“Wouldn’t it be a surprise – or maybe not such a surprise – if it included journalists or politicians?”
Not such a surprise at all, Paul.

Cruiser sunk

One person who used to be a Labour/Fine Gael minister and wouldn’t be surprised is Conor Cruise O’Brien.
The Cruiser was the 26-County Labour Party’s media censor during the 1973 Labour/Fine Gael Coalition as the equivalent then of Minister for Communications. In his crazier McCarthyite moments he snipped out newspaper clippings of letters to editors critical of his government or espousing radical views and kept them in his desk. In recent years, he’s penned tabloid scenarios of the massed battalions of the IRA marching down O’Connell Street to seize power.
Now back in Pat Rabbitte’s Labour Party after a spell in Bob McCartney’s anti-power-sharing UK Unionist Party, the demented old duffer still wants to stop people to “shut up about the North”.
Writing in the Irish Independent last Saturday, the Labour grandee claims that he’s now a “good friend” of Ian Paisley.
“For the past 20 years, we have been good friends and still are,” he cheerfully declares.
Censor Cruise O’Brien adds his big buddy isn’t going to agree to any power-sharing arrangement. And O’Brien is quite happy about that.
“When Paisley finally announces his decision against them, the two governments will have to shut up about the North and turn to some other subject. The sooner the better.”

Plentiful Paisleys

As a friend of the family, Conor Cruise O’Brien says that the Paisleys don’t need to give in to threats to pull the plug on Assembly salaries because they’re not short of a few shillings.
“Ian Paisley doesn’t need their money; he has plenty of his own and so has his son.”
Now we know that Papa Doc has his MP’s salaries to fall back on (and Mammy Eileen now has a nice little earner with a part-time job polishing the benches in the House of Lords when she gets dolled up as Baroness Paisley of St George’s), but where does Baby Doc, Ian Junior, get the “plenty of money” Conor Cruise O’Brien says he has?

Fairly short

One man who is fairly short of a few bob now is Willie Frazer, former nightclub owner and now the much-travelled head of the exclusively unionist Families Acting for Innocent Relatives (FAIR).
A Lurgan solicitor took Willie to court for thousands of pounds in unpaid debts for work involving his old nightclub, The Spot, in Tandragee, County Armagh. Just after the solicitor’s work was completed, the club went downhill when the UVF murdered teenagers Andrew Robb and David McIlwaine in February 2000. The pair had been targeted in Frazer’s club the night of their deaths.
Seven years on, and Frazer still hadn’t paid what he owed so the solicitor sued. Just as the case was to be heard by Craigavon Civil Court, Frazer finally settled his debt.

Just the McJob

McDonald’s Restaurants have upset tummies over a new entry in the Oxford English Dictionary.
The revered reference work has added “McJob” to its list of definitions:
“An unstimulating, low-paid job with few prospects, esp one created by the expansion of the service sector.”
McDonald’s want the description withdrawn on the basis that it’s inaccurate. After all, it’s not like describing their Big Muck burgers as good food.

Beam me up, Scotty

A Finnish MP seeking re-election this month certainly made sure he was appealing to anyone and everyone by translating his website into one of the country’s truly minority languages  –  Klingon.
Star Trek nut Jyrki Kasvi said before the votes were cast:
“Some have thought it is blasphemy to mix politics and Klingon; others say it is good if politicians can laugh at themselves.”
The Klingon fan clung on and was re-elected. His party’s high command, obviously noting that he couldn’t have too much to do if he can waste his time translating his web into TV gobbledygook, made him vice-chair.
Maybe he made more sense in Klingon.