Letter to the Taoiseach by Barry McElduff

Are you involved in much campaigning for the Assembly elections, Taoiseach?
I saw that one of the lesser-known SDLP candidates used a photograph of himself and yourself.  All smiles and handshakes.  Is there an official policy on that?  Is the SDLP your sister party in the North or what way does it work?  Sometimes SDLP candidates are photographed with the likes of Liz McManus and the Labour Party while other SDLP candidates choose the Fine Gael option.  I only know of one SDLP candidate who thought it was a good idea to be photographed with Michael McDowell.
Taoiseach, you will know from the above that I have still not learned the lesson of not mentioning political opponents during an election campaign.  
For our part, Sinn Féin is busy preparing away for the two elections. This Assembly election on Wednesday, 7 March is coming to life as we speak.  Do you like canvassing the doors, yourself, Taoiseach?  An election campaign always throws up some rare moments at the doors.
One constituent in Omagh felt it important that I should watch him feeding a dead rat to a snake which is resident with him.  A snow white rat.  I did not know that you can buy these from a freezer in the Pet Food stores.  It is a poor day when you do not learn something.
Also, in the town of Omagh, the Showband era was recalled when Brian Coll sung A Pretty Little Girl from Omagh when we knocked his door. Albert would be better known to Brian, of course, but he was asking about you as well.
I missed the Sinn Féin candidates launch at Belfast Castle, myself.  Do you ever run out of steam to such an extent that you want to go nowhere?  That is what happened to me, and I hadn’t the heart to tell Ned in our Press Office so I told John O’Dowd instead.  I am not saying that John is a softer touch than Ned.  Not by any manner of means.
As a candidate, Bertie, did you ever think that your opposition had more posters up than you?  I heard Mitchel McLaughlin describe this illness as ‘candidate-itis’.  A man in Beragh told me that we would get the seven votes in his house if we could sort out a footpath.  I told him that we would do our best.
Does Fianna Fáil still do chapel-gate or after-Mass speaking?  I suppose I am not being sufficiently secular or pluralist by merely referring to chapels.  Do you think I should reach out more?
At Dunmoyle Chapel, I witnessed an elderly gentleman pulling up in a car to sell newspapers, kitchen roll, chewing gum and marshmallows to the people.  Rural Ireland.  He told one customer that he should buy two packets of chewing gum because there might be hard times up ahead.
Coming out of the chapel, people told me about their concerns – the clampdown on building single dwellings in the countryside, access to their GP, water charges, dislike of the PSNI and impatience for a united Ireland.  The state of the rural roads and an end to the cursed 11 Plus also featured on their agenda.
Taoiseach, when are the Fianna Fáil posters going up in West Tyrone?  I was talking to Niall Ó Donnghaile and he tells me that there are none up in East Belfast either.
Bertie, have you made sure of your postal or proxy vote – if you’re going to be out of the country, that is?

Is mise le meas
Barry McElduff

NB: Bertie Ahern can be contacted on (00 353) 1 619 4020 or e-mail [email protected].  Address: Office of the Taoiseach, Government Buildings, Dublin 2.