Fifth Column

The chump's tea party; or the Kenny-Rabbitte tea party

Pat Rabbitte's army conventions

PAT RABBITTE, Fine Gael's little helper, has called for an IRA Army Convention so that the IRA can change its constitution to allow a fundamental change in its future.

Expanding on Monday's media speculation about the IRA's intentions, Enda Kenny's Number 2 said:

"Remember that, last 6th April, Gerry Adams addressed a personal appeal directly to the membership of the IRA - those who make up its Army Convention and who alone have power to make changes to its constitution...

"But what is now apparently on offer, by way of a 'new mode' for the IRA, is to be so insubstantial that it will not involve a meeting of the IRA membership at all. This can only mean that no change is proposed to the IRA's constitution, which defines both its status and purpose and the means available to it to achieve its objectives.

"Nothing but an Army Convention, as Gerry Adams clearly originally envisaged, can bring resolution to this impasse. A retreat from that proposition means that anything put on offer by Sinn Féin and the IRA will continue to be shrouded in obscurity and obfuscation and will be seen as yet another tactical presentation rather than a fundamental shift in orientation."

Doesn't Deputy Rabbitte know a lot about guerrilla army protocols? And so he should: for years, Enda Kenny's new best friend was a big wheel in the machine that his pals in RTÉ and the Irish Times would no doubt today describe unflinchingly as 'the Workers' Party/Official IRA'.

The so-called Official IRA - whose leadership had left nationalist areas defenceless against the ethnic cleansing pogroms by unionist paramilitaries and the RUC in 1969 and the early 1970s - called a unilateral ceasefire in May 1972 after a public backlash against the killing of a Derry-born British Army soldier. But the OIRA reserved the right to act in self-defence and to defend nationalist areas. It also continued fund-raising activities and purges of opponents such as the INLA throughout the mid- and late 1970s.

Before Rabbitte and a handful of WP TDs rode their Trojan Horse into the Labour Party, he was a Workers' Party TD from 1989 and held his seat from then on. But while Rabbitte was cutting his political teeth, even Fine Gael Justice Minister Michael Noonan (1983) and Labour leader Ruairí Quinn (1985) said the OIRA was still active and had links with the WP. (Noonan and Quinn are now best buddies with the Old Stick.) And as late as 1992, government ministers in Dublin and Belfast claimed the Official IRA was still an active organisation.

So what was Pat doing all that time to wind up the OIRA? Maybe Enda Kenny's right-hand man can help republicans by doing an RTÉ 'Prime Time' special on how he used his considerable influence as a WP TD to get the OIRA to disband? It would last about as long as an ad-break for Pot Noodles... and be nearly as curious.

Chumps' tea party

RABBITTE'S bistro photo-call last week with new boss Enda Kenny to toast the Labour/Fine Gael election pact went down like a cup of cold Pot Noodles with the public, but it threw up a statement from Progressive Democrats Chair Tim Morrissey peppered with culinary quips but more limp than a wet lettuce at a Green Party barbecue.

"Enda Kenny's recipes could be very expensive," Tim scoffed. "Maybe that's why we're not allowed see the menu. Maybe Enda can't show any recipes because his commis chef [Pat Rabbitte] won't let him."

Get it? The one-time Marxist Pat Rabbitte: commis chef - commie chef? Oh, suit yourself.

Contract killers

COLONEL TIM SPICER, the O/C of the Scots Guards who shot unarmed Belfast civilian Peter McBride in the back and were jailed for murder but released and allowed to rejoin the British Army, has won another mercenary contract for the Pentagon in Iraq.

The deal is worth $145 million (£79 million) to Spicer's Aegis Defence Services. Aegis is the link between the coalition occupation military units, civilian contractors and their "private security firms" (i.e. mercenaries). Aegis employs 930 'Dogs of War' and spies who provide intelligence on suspected guerrilla activity and claim to rescue any who are ambushed.

Spicer was the commanding officer of Scots Guardsmen James Fisher and Mark Wright. Fisher and Wright shot 18-year-old Peter McBride in the back on September 4th 1992, in Belfast's Upper Meadow Street, just moments after being searched by a sergeant with their patrol. Spicer's men were convicted of murder and sentenced to life but freed early after an intensive lobbying campaign by Fleet Street, British Army generals and Spicer himself.

After landing the Pentagon contract, Spicer boasted that his private army regularly handles classified US and British military intelligence: "We are completely integrated into the military chain of command."

Pull a Peeler?

THE SUNDAY TRIBUNE'S two-page feature on gay marriages carried a piece linking the issue with the DUP's suspension of MLA and gospel songster Paul 'Rocking' Berry even though the Paisleyite popster is adamant that his rendezvous with a male masseuse in Belfast hotel was for treating a "sports injury".

But aside from the Rocking Berry's problems, the piece by Suzanne Breen was curious for comments by long-standing gay rights activist Jeff Dudgeon.

"Even as a unionist, I must admit Sinn Féin is the most progressive party in Northern Ireland on gay rights, yet it has fewer gay members because the male gay social circle is very politically mixed.

"Catholic gays wouldn't want to join Sinn Féin because it would mean they couldn't have sexual relations with police officers."

Pull the other one, Jeff.

Rough and tumble of politics

DUDGEON'S DUBIOUS deductions about people who are gay and political continue.

"Gay men might also think themselves too soft for Sinn Féin because it's a party with a strong 'them and us' attitude to politics. It requires a toughness on the opposition that gays mightn't possess."

Old hat

SO UNIONISTS offer a warmer reception for gays than republicans, Jeff reckons.

"Unionism has these all-male institutions - like the Orange and Masonic lodges - which appeal to gays." Are you sure, Jeff?

"Gay men tend to like antiques and history and there's something about the closed, antiquarian nature of unionist politics which attracts them."

Closed and antiquarian? Explains why Jeff joined 'Sideshow Bob' McCartney's tiny UK Unionist Party.

Airport Special Branch take off

TWO SPECIAL BRANCH men at Gatwick Airport have been "required to resign" after being heard making racist and homophobic comments.

The two were suspended in November after an investigation by the Independent Police Complaints Commission. One resigned soon after and the other lost his job last week.

Theatre of conflict

A PALESTINIAN TEENAGERS' dance group from a refugee camp in the Israeli-occupied Gaza Strip were banned from the Lord Mayor's Parade in Sheffield - a week before the London bombings - because they were "too political".

The first snub came when Liberal Democrat Mayor Roger Davison and his wife stormed out of a performance by the Palestinian dance group, Al Asria, during Sheffield Council's Children's Festival.

The Lib-Dem leader walked out on their stage show at Sheffield's Merlin Theatre because the group was "too political". The Lib-Dems have opposed the Gulf War and they themselves are, er, political.

The council then banned the group, made up of a dozen teenagers who live in the Jabalia refugee camp in the Gaza Strip, an area occupied by Israel since 1967, from taking part in the Lord Mayor's Parade.

The secretary of Yorkshire-Palestine Cultural Exchange, Hilary Smith,

said that some of the group, who range in age from 14 to 18, fear they may not even be allowed to return home. She said:

"It is just appalling that these young people have been treated in such a devastating manner. It is one thing not to agree with the politics but quite another to make an obvious show about it by walking out which the Mayor did in this instance.

"These children have been through appalling situations at home. Some have fathers in prison while others have seen their friends shot dead. So the idea that they were just going to be doing little numbers about love was a bit ignorant to say the least. The Mayor chose to come to this performance. We never tried to pull the wool over his eyes. He must have known what the subject matter would be about."

The Liberal Democrats' general election slogan was "The Real Alternative". Some alternative.

Political football

'FRONTLINE FOOTBALL' is a very late night offering on BBC TV on Mondays focusing on The Beautiful Game in not-so-beautiful war zones.

This week, it homed in on the Israeli Army's foul play against the Palestinian national football team's World Cup bid. Last week, it looked at how Bosnia's Muslim and Serbian supporters used soccer as a means of political expression. We're not sure if the Beeb is going to visit Glentoran or Linfield in the series but it's one to watch anyway.