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16 December 2004 Edition

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Have yourself an anti-social Christmas

BY JOANNE CORCORAN

Do you hate having to make that special effort to talk to family, friends and well-wishers at Christmas? Do you find yourself wishing they'd all just feck off and leave you to watch the telly in peace? If that description sounds familiar, then these pages were written just for you. You won't find a better guide for telling you when to kick out the visitors and put on the headphones, when to set the video, and when to make tea and visit the loo. This is the ultimate guide to having an anti-social Christmas, so get all the present giving out of the way now, rush through the obligatory visiting and settle down to the Christmas you really want to have - armed with An Phoblacht's 2005 festive television manual.

I wish I could say this was the hardest article of the year to write, but I can't. Let's face it — being handed a couple of telly magazines and told to write about what's on television is pretty much a dream job for someone whose first love is writing, and second is watching telly. It's no joke that when these pages come up at An Phoblacht's Christmas paper editorial meeting, no one dares fight me for them.

Here's another sad fact: Christmas television, when approached in the wrong way, can all go horribly wrong. I have been in many a house on Lá Nollaig and witnessed the worst possible television consumption - the afternoon matinée (the same on practically every station, it's Harry Potter this year), the Snowman (stomach-churning, acid-induced cartoon where a boy is abducted by a flying snowman), and last but not least, the soapfest ("Our Christmas is so boring that we have to watch fictional versions of ourselves having a miserable one to cheer us up").

No, no, no. Christmas is, or should be, a time for quality viewing, and it would be if people just took their viewing seriously and consulted television guides such as this one. There are proper films on, not just the ones we're force fed by repeated showing, the Coke and Tayto of the film world. There are comedies that actually make you laugh, not leave you wanting to slit your wrists like some of the aforementioned soaps. There are historical documentaries about republicans and other such admirable figures (I kid you not - the story of the cessation is on Saturday 18, 9.05pm, TG4, and an examination of the trial of Nelson Mandela and his ANC comrades is on Tuesday 21, 11.15pm, RTÉ 1). There's even some culture in the mix, in the form of televised ballets and concerts, where people more talented than you jump about and warble with no need of an X Factor, and with not a slimy celeb judge in sight.

I beg you, do not waste the Christmas opportunity to enjoy some good telly. Pay attention, especially from this point on.

The meaning of Christmas

Some people believe that Christmas should be about love and sharing, and all things nice and twee. I think it should be about watching good films. And there are lots on this year. But premiers are few and far between. Networks know that whatever they pull out, their rivals will bring out better, so they usually pull the stunt of picking one new film, which everyone else picks too, then showing some great oldies.

That film, as you've already been warned, is Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (Christmas Day, 5.35pm, RTÉ 1 and 6.05pm, BBC1).

Now I loved the Harry Potter books, so much so that I actually read them for a second time this year. But this film is possibly the most wooden, non-eventful, "Let's stick to the plot religiously" interpretation of a good book, ever. Perhaps terrified of losing Potter fans by inserting one word not in the text into the actors' mouths, the people involved in making this film robbed the children of the world of a potential masterpiece. And the next two films were actually quite good.

You're better off letting little Gerry and Martin play with the boxes their presents came in rather than inflict this steaming pile on them.

Like I said, oldies are on by the dozen over Christmas, and they are sometimes the best. On Saturday 18 there's The 39 Steps (3.45pm, BBC2), the Hitchcock classic, which is definitely worth a watch. Witness (Sunday 21, 12.15am, BBC1) is a great Harrison Ford thriller. We're No Angels (Christmas Eve, 1.30am, RTÉ 2), casts Robert de Niro and Seán Penn in comic roles and will have you laughing your socks off. Roald Dahl's Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (Christmas Day, 9am, TG4) is the alternative children's movie, which, while amusing your kiddies, will drive home the message that they shouldn't mess with purple-faced midgets if they don't want to end up dead. Some Like It Hot (Christmas Day, 12.15am, RTÉ1), starring Marilyn Monroe, Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis, caters to comedy fans and cross dressers alike.

If you want new(ish) films, there is Shallow Hal (Sunday 19, 9pm, TV3), where a hypnotised man, played by Jack Black, falls in love with a humongous woman because he can see her inner beauty. Bend It Like Beckham (Christmas Eve, 8.45pm, RTÉ1), is a well observed and highly entertaining family movie that sees a young Indian girl defy her family to play the beautiful game. Moulin Rouge (St Stephen's Day, 10.25pm, RTÉ1) is a film which makes the emotionless Nicole Kidman actually look halfway human. She plays a prostitute dying from consumption who falls madly in love with Ewan McGregor, probably due to her illness, and sings duets with him on her breaks from the seedy Paris nightspot.

I will be watching some of my favourites, like It's A Wonderful Life (Christmas Day, 9am, TV3). I enjoy it, even if James Stewart was a right-wing nut in real life (see, even I have a heart). And I can't wait for The Witches on Christmas afternoon (3.45pm, TV3), another twisted look at childhood from Roald Dahl. I also plan to catch Shrek (Christmas Eve, 6.40pm, BBC1), if only to see Donkey singing 'Baby's got back' at the end, and I'll catch at least one Superman movie (Superman II is on Thursday 30, 3.30pm, BBC1) to pay homage to Christopher Reeves, who died this year.

But, you don't have to do as I do, just do as I say. And if you insist on watching a film about the impact a new born baby can have on all mankind, check out Rosemary's Baby (Sunday 19, 11.50pm BBC1). You'll love it. Providing you're sick and twisted, that is.

Hohoho

If you want comedy this Christmas, you're spoiled for choice.

For those of you who've been living in a cave with no cable for the last year, Shameless (Thursday 23, 9pm, C4) is a side-splitting look at an extended and dysfunctionally manic family living in a north of England housing estate. There are no words to describe how funny this comedy is and I'm not going to try. Just watch the Christmas special. I'm staking my reputation on you enjoying it.

If you fancy another family comedy, The Royle Family Christmas Special (Christmas Eve, 11.10pm, BBC1), is slightly less gritty but very funny. You and your family can sit around the telly eating turkey and ham sambos and watch the Royles sitting around their telly eating turkey and ham sambos. I have loved this comedy ever since I saw Nana offering her grandson Anthony's girlfriend some wafer-thin ham after finding out she's a vegetarian. It's not complicated and it's not cultured, but it's a true, funny reflection of a lot of families I know, and is easy on the eye and heart.

Tommy Tiernan Cracked (New Year's Eve, 9pm, RTÉ1) should be funny. He's definitely one of the most entertaining comedians in Ireland and he won my vote when he appeared on the Late Late Show and told lewd jokes while Pat Kenny looked on, mortified.

Father Ted makes a double appearance on Monday 20 (9pm, RTÉ2) and the second episode - the over 75s priests' five-a-side football match - shouldn't be missed.

Killinascully (Christmas Day, 9.35pm, RTÉ1) has proven itself one of the funniest Irish comedies of the year. I'm not a great fan of Pat Shortt (perhaps it's all those pervy Eircom ads he's in), but I have observed less fussy people than me clutching their stomachs and crying, presumably from mirth, not indigestion. Prejudice aside, this Christmas special might bring a few chuckles.

Only Fools And Horses of course, makes the list (Wednesday 29, 6.30pm, RTÉ1). And Grumpy Old Women (Christmas Day, 11.10pm, BBC2) might amuse. The Grumpy Old Men series was full of grey haired whingers moaning about wrongly placed apostrophes (a bit like our editor) and SUV drivers.

Of course if you really want to laugh your head off, RTÉ's New Year's Eve countdown will get you going (10.45pm, RTÉ1). Watch as Gay Byrne interviews/patronises/insults other people who have made a living off your telly licence fee. This programme, with all its talentless, annoying RTÉ whingers, is a must-see, if only to remind you not to pay your licence fee next year.

Something worthy

Don't despair if you don't like watching the equivalent of chewing gum for the brain. There are also some worthy documentaries on over Christmas.

Sos Cogaigh (Saturday 18, 9.05pm, TG4) tells the story of the 1994 IRA cessation, with contributions from Gerry Adams, John Major, Albert Reynolds and John Hume. The fact it's on TG4 means it's more likely to be a bit balanced, so catch it if you can.

Hidden History: Nelson Mandela (Tuesday 21, 11.15pm, RTÉ 1) is one more to keep an eye out for. June 1964 brought an end to one of the most significant political trials of the 20th Century. The Rivonia trial sentenced Mandela and six others to life imprisonment for attempting to overthrow the Apartheid regime in South Africa. This documentary looks at what happened at the trial and political buffs and historians alike should watch it.

Trasna na dTonnta (Thursday 23, 7.15pm, TG4) looks at Missionary priest Gerry Willie Ó Fátharta, who was awarded the Freedom of the City of Salvador for his work with impoverished children there.

Who Wrote The Bible? (Christmas Day, 8.30pm, C4) takes an interesting look at the greatest story ever told and asks whether the bible is merely a human fable (definitely something to get your granny's back up).

If it's music you're after, Planxty performing live at Vicar Street (St Stephen's Day, 6pm, RTÉ 2) should keep the most hardcore heydiddlydi music fans among you happy.

And the Kings of Rock and Roll (Tuesday 28, 10.20pm, BBC1) will have you tapping your feet to Elvis, Buddy Holly, Little Richard, et al.

For sports fans, catch Ringy (Christmas Day, 5.40, TG4), an hour-long documentary about Cork hurling legend Christy Ring. Cogar - Saol A'Mhadra (Sunday 19, 9.25pm, TG4) examines the world of greyhound racing, which brings in €240 million annually to the Irish exchequer. Watch this and see when your €5 bet really goes.

And those people who can't relax into the holidays should watch the News Review of the Year (New Year's Eve, 6.30pm, RTÉ1). You can bask in reminders of the Olympic medal that never was (Cian O'Connor and his schizo horse), the War on Iraq and the US elections.

Bah, Humbug!

I suppose I have to mention the soaps, because I know you're all dying to hear what plots will unfold throughout Christmas Day.

Well, tick off the following accordingly - someone will die, someone will leave forever (or at least until ratings are down, when they'll be brought back in a desperate attempt to claw back viewers), someone will be in debt and not have a Christmas, a relationship will break up and a turkey will be burnt.

There will be shouting, crying, misery and maybe some drunkenness. Do yourself a favour and sleep off the Christmas dinner instead.

It's also a good idea to avoid BBC1 and UTV at 3pm on Christmas Day. This is when Old Lizabrit will be delivering her Christmas message, so unless you're a closet West Brit, you probably won't be interested. ("Hallo, my name is the Queen and this year I did nothing and next year I plan to do more nothing, much like the year before and the year before...").

Channel Four will be running alternative Simpson family messages all day, so if it's two-dimensional, dysfunctional families you're after, you have a choice.

The gift of telly

Goodwill, the season for being with family and friends, it's better to give than to receive, and all that aside, Christmas really is a time when most families get together and watch the telly. Maybe I was neglected as a child, but my fondest memories of Christmas aren't of Mass (which had to be endured until I could get home to my half-eaten selection box), nor of visitors ("Do I have to kiss granda? He smells funny"), but of everyone settling down after dinner to watch a film or two.

Perhaps more conscientious parents would have brought us on soup runs, or made us call into the neighbours bearing Frankincense, with antlers glued to our heads. But we learned, and you should teach your kids too, that watching telly is an activity all the family can enjoy, and after all, that is what Christmas is all about*.

* Complaints about the true meaning of Christmas, getting out in the fresh air, reading a good book, etc, will be read and dismissed out of hand - Ed.


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