The 5th Column

God-like McGuinness, circa 1972

McGuinness is God for you

AN HEIRESS to the Guinness family fortune has had a heavy crush on a sultry republican icon for years but, for some inexplicable reason, it's not your absolutely fabulous 5th Column — it's Martin McGuinness!

Always looking under the mistletoe for something more spicy than a mince pie and a bottle of Guinness Lite, the 5th Column felt a warm glow at this tale of unrequited love reported by a Sunday newspaper (even if it is the Sunday Times).

The ST claims that Marina Guinness (42) has admitted to having a long-term longing for her Derry near-namesake for the past 30 years or so.

Marina Guinness apparently still has a soft spot for Martin, who became her teenage pin-up after Bloody Sunday in 1972. She had copies of republican youth magazines posted to her so she could keep track of the sultry McGuinness but they were frequently intercepted by staff at her school.

Marina was even expelled from an English boarding school as a teenager after she was blamed for IRA slogans that were painted on the walls of the lavatories. She denied the offence and probably refused to recognise the headmistress.

"Martin McGuinness was my pin-up, he was so gorgeous," she told the ST. "Every teenager needs a figure like that in her life. I was 12, he was 21. I loved him because he was so handsome and for the way he single-handedly defied the British Government."

But the single mother of two — whose long-term partner died in 1995 — has now resigned herself to the fact that romance is not on the cards. "He's a married man and I'm just a Celbridge housewife. What can you do? I'm an older woman and my dancing days are over, but I am still hugely impressed by him because he has found a way forward and has changed mindsets."

Hey, don't get too down about it, Marina. There's a lot more of us handsome, defiant, rugged republican types around with a deep fondness for Guinness. The 5th Column's number is in the book.

Come into my parlour

MISS WORLD is the latest headline grabber to be grabbed by the PR hands of Dublin Mayor Royston Brady as the Fianna Fáil Dáil hopeful milks the mayoral parlour for all its worth ahead of next June's local elections.

The globe's top totty will be given a full-blown civic reception by Dublin's First Citizen in his Mansion House pad for being... well, just good looking and having long legs. And that's it!

This stunning achievement might be considered by some to be worthy of note for the fact that Miss World's da is singer-songwriter and au pair seducer, 'Cringe' de Burgh, but Fianna Fáiler Royston has his eyes on every media opportunity until the end of his term in the mayoral big house.

Royston, baby brother of Taoiseach Bertie Ahern's master handler, Senatoailiwick scribbled a hand-written, hate-filled note on a Carrickfergus Council circular to local authorities about the death of Ranger Paul Cochrane, who committed suicide at a County Armagh barracks in 2001. Sanders said: "Soldiers do get killed... that is what they are paid for."

When contacted about the note by BBC TV, Nutty Neville ranted in private and on-air at the demure Donna Traynor with a foul-mouthed tirade where he said he was fed up paying taxes for "lazy bastards in Ireland". The Six Counties, Neville ventured, "can fuck off and run its own affairs".

Naughty Neville went on to say that anyone who joined the British Army, such as Ranger Cochrane, had to be "prepared to deal with a bullet".

Now Neville has got the bullet.

Night, night, Neville. Keep taking the tablets.

Election cheers

POST-ELECTION, there appears to be abroad what the 5th Column considers a distinctly unrepublican trend — not gloating. Not wishing to be accused of being trendy, and clinging to this column's core values, we repeat this barb courtesy of last week's Hearts & Minds on BBC TV.

Q: What do you call an SDLP member with a bottle of champagne?

A: "Waiter!"