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9 September 2011

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Abroad in Belfast

WHEN Declan Kearney rang me to check was he sound to move the Ard Fheis out of Dublin, I gave him the all clear without much thought. Like any right-thinking person I assumed this meant the event would now be moved to Ireland’s first city of Cork, instead of being held to ransom by those sods in 44, who consider it an adventure of epic proportions to travel to the RDS from Dublin’s north inner city.
Imagine my surprise when I discovered that the Ard Fheis is instead being held in Ireland’s sixth city (Cork, Galway, Dublin, Derry, Newry, Belfast in case you’re wondering). I can understand the desire to hold the event in the North; I’m as fair as the next woman. But if we’re going to the Six, why not Derry? A much nicer city, sounder people and the beauty of Donegal only down the road? Or Newry, admittedly only barely qualifying as a city, but it’s a lot closer for us Southerners and you have the gorgeous countryside around Rostrevor on one side, and the historical majesty of south Armagh on the other.
Belfast – it’s like a poor man’s Larne. Anyway, for those of you who, like me, tend not to put in an appearance in Belfast all that often (and less after this article I suspect), and clutch tightly to your handbag when you do it, bear in mind it’s not all that bad. But it is different. This helpful guide to Belfast personalities and expressions should help you out over the Ard Fheis weekend or any other time you’re dandering around the town.

Adams, Gerry – This popular local community activist and prominent beard afficionado stunned west Belfast locals earlier this year with his decision to enter politics. He is now TD for Louth and a bit of Meath, as well as boss of Sinn Féin.

Blacks – As in “We’ll get a black to take us home”. Belfast is a thriving multicultural city and visitors are warned that this expression is not racially motivated in any way. During the 1980s, the city’s buses developed a curious tendency to spontaneously combust. Concerned local citizens, worried for public transport users, obtained some black taxis from London and developed a community transport service which thrives to this day.

Catch yourself on – Please calm down sir/madam, you’re scaring the childer (children).

Elected rep – There are a number of different kinds of elected representative in the North. An MP is their equivalent of a TD. An MLA is their equivalent of a county councillor, and what they call a councillor is about on a par with a cumann chair down here.

Harp – Belfast people think of themselves as the most oppressed people on earth. To maintain this feeling of oppression 24/7 it’s necessary to drink a particularly awful beer, bringing us to Harp. This vile concoction is popular in Belfast and in republican enclaves in Dundalk that are full of Belfast people. If offered one, the polite response is to take a can as a way of showing respect to local culture and customs, before covertly disposing of it and washing your mouth out with Dettol.

Hood – An affectionate term for menacing, semi-literate teenagers who are prone to spray-painting poorly spelt messages on walls, harassing local people, and shouting, “Ay’ll knack yer ballix in”, all in the name of fun. Not to be confused with Peelers (see below), who do much the same thing but have given up spray-painting. The original feral youths.

Mexican – Bantering slang expression for everyone living in the 26 Counties since we live ‘south of the border, down Mexico way’. Curiously, Pearse Doherty and Pádraig Mac Lochlainn from Donegal are also considered to be Mexicans despite coming from a part of Ireland to the west and north of the Six Counties. It is, perhaps, not unrelated to this that no school in Belfast teaches geography at ‘A Level’ standard.

Orange – as in ‘The Orange’, ‘Orangies’, etc. Slang expression for members of the loyalist community, coming from their support for the Orange Order. Tend to be poorly represented at Sinn Féin Ard Fheiseanna.

Peelers – Police officers. Members of the ‘Police Service of Northern Ireland’ (sic). In 2007, conscious of the fact that they weren’t going to be fixed by the Stoops, republicans went on the Policing Boards to give them a dig out.

St Gall’s – Belfast, and Antrim’s, most successful football club and Antrim’s only winner of an All-Ireland Senior Club Football Championship. Cork has won 11 titles. Nemo Rangers alone have won seven. Just saying.

Ulster fry – Basically a full Irish breakfast but they add farl, a type of fried soda bread. This small amendment inexplicably makes it an ‘ulster’ fry for the purposes of tourism marketing.

What about ye? – Hello.

What about ye, big man? – Hello, sir. Important to note that the use of the words ‘big man’ does not imply the speaker thinks you are overweight. It is used out of respect, suggesting you are a big and important person, possibly even a comhairle ceantair officer. The same is not true of the phrase ‘big woman’, which should not be used under any circumstances.

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Contributions from key figures in the churches, academia and wider civic society as well as senior republican figures

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