The 5th Column

Sammy Wilson gets the willies

DUP WOOD NYMPH, Sammy 'Woodpecker' Wilson, fondly remembered by nature lovers and the beasts in the forest for his naked romps in a dingly dell with a mysterious young lady splashed across the tabloids, is getting a cold shiver up his spine at the thought of a PSNI gay police officers' association.

The Gay Police Association has been successful in England, Scotland and Wales and is now looking to sign up gay Peelers in the PSNI. An official in Belfast has been asked to investigate the level of interest in the Six Counties.

Wee Sammy Wilson, though, a DUP Policing Board member, is not impressed. "It's hardly a priority to be on the search for gays. It's ironic that, on one hand, they are breathing down Orangemen's necks, getting them to register as such, and yet they believe that special attention should be given to the needs of gay police staff."

And your point is, Sammy?

Off his trolley

FIANNA FÁIL Government TD Seán Ardagh was wheeled out for last Friday's City Edition phone-in on the Dublin station, Newstalk 106, with Sinn Féin TD Seán Crowe.

Listeners were jamming the phone lines with complaints about the FF/PD coalition government's record of cuts and the Budget Estimates, with particular reference to the ailing health service. Family members were outraged that the Celtic Tiger economy still leaves elderly relatives lying in corridors on trolleys because there aren't enough beds.

Not to worry, the Fianna Fáil TD tutted. Those trolleys are really quite comfortable.

And, Deputy Ardagh, when was the last time you were left for hours on end lying on a trolley instead of lying on the radio?

Who guards the Guards?

SUNDAY WORLD crime writer Paul Williams was the subject of a hoax bomb attack last Friday. Williams attacked the Justice Minister, 'Marshal' Michael McDowell, for withdrawing his earlier Garda protection.

Speculation about the perpetrators abounded. Anyone from drugs dealers to the INLA and INLA drugs dealers were in the frame for this one. But Friday's RTÉ morning news bulletins raised even more questions when they reported that the Sunday World sleuth had to be given "round-the-clock protection FROM the Gardaí".

Ian Paisley - The Invisible TV Man

APOLOGIES to anyone who followed the 5th Column's exhortation to tune in to last week's Hearts & Minds on BBC TV in the hope snatching a rare TV glimpse of the lesser spotted DUP leader, Dr Ian Paisley.

The old Bible belter is being kept by his DUP media minders out all leadership debates for fear that he might upset the DUP apple cart with his intemperate ravings. Feeling the effects of the barbs of reputable media mandarins such as the 5th Column, Peter Robinson was stung into risking wheeling Papa Doc out for a one-to-one with Hearts & Minds presenter Noel Thompson. But, at the 11th hour, Robinson panicked and unceremoniously shoved Paisley out of the way to take up the DUP leadership mantle himself, shifting uncomfortably when probed about his boss's obvious absence.

A red beret to a bull

NIGEL DODDS is doing stand-in for Papa Doc on many of the TV debates. But the normally nimble Nigel came out in a real sweat when Martin McGuinness pressed him on last week's Question Time, on the BBC, about Papa Doc, Peter Robinson and the DUP high command being part of the Ulster Resistance loyalist paramilitary outfit that smuggled hundreds of rifles, handgun and grenades from Apartheid South Africa to kill Catholics in the Six Counties.

All Nigel could bluster was that he didn't wear an Ulster Resistance red beret. But that little red beret did match the political complexion of his Svenagli, Peter Robinson, and Papa Doc Paisley.

Prime responsibility

TONY BLAIR says that he can't order the British Army to sack two convicted murderers in the Scots Guards even though he can order the entire might of the army, air force and navy to wage war across the globe!

Blair was asked why the British Army could dismiss Major Charles Ingram for cheating on the TV game show, Who Wants to be a Millionaire, but Scots Guards James Fisher and Mark Wright, convicted of murdering Belfast teenager Peter McBride in 1992, were welcomed back into the British Army with open arms.

Blair's lame response? "It's an internal employment matter."