The Fifth Column

Simply British

WHAT ARE WE to make of the Ulster Unionist Party's new, supermarket style slogan 'Simply British?'

And why did Messrs Trimble & Co plump for a fish supper to symbolise the UUP? Why not the great British pickled onion? Or toad in the hole? Or rhubarb? Or after the dog's dinner the UUP made of this week, it could have been tripe and onions.

Simply the best?

SCHOOLKIDS in Bolton had better watch out because Johnny Adair's sidekick has fled to the Lancashire town after being released from jail last month for making a hoax bomb call to Holy Cross Primary School in Ardoyne.

Gary 'Smickers' Smith was jailed in 1995 for firearms offences and released in 1999 under the Good Friday Agreement. Now in hiding in England after his release, Smickers told the Sunday Life last weekend:

"The scum who control the Shankill now are nothing but cowards who were never involved in the fight against republicans."

Not like brave Gary Smith, who picks on wee schoolkids for the UDA/UFF.

Best friends

SMICKERS DENIED reports that Manchester gangsters had ordered him to leave the Bolton area.

"I have been told about the rumours concerning two armed black men who called to my door in Bolton, ordering me to leave the area within 48 hours.

"But these people are my friends."

It might be a short-lived friendship when his new pals find out that Smickers is part of the gang led by Johnny Adair, one-time flag carrier for the Belfast National Front.

Bolton bound

AND Johnny Adair wants to join the lost tribe of 'C' Company and his beloved wife Gina in Bolton when he's released from jail.

"I want to go and be reunited with my wife and children in England," Adair told the Irish News last week.

Maybe his pal Smickers will invite a few of his Yardie pals around for a house warming for the former National Front fan.

RUC solo run

WHILE ALL SORTS are trying to convince us that there's a new beginning to policing in the Six Counties, perhaps someone should tell the PSNI Athletics Association.

The Peelers' sports body says that even though various sections have adopted PSNI into their name, the main body has absolutely no intention whatsoever of changing its title from RUC Athletic Association.

And just in case anyone is in any doubt about the laager mentality of the Peelers, they publicly flaunt the hated old RUC badge on their clubhouse wall at the Newforge Country Club, off the Malone Road in South Belfast. And their website boasts that they'll continue using the RUC name "while continuing to promote and organise sport for the PSNI members and their families".

Fred the Gladiator

CRAIGAVON Ulster Unionist Councillor Fred Crowe has been hailed by the British Nazi Party as a "gladiator" for his opposition to the building of a mosque outside Portadown.

Crowe had claimed that Muslims are "out to wipe out Christianity". UUP leader David Trimble felt he had to censure the gladiator after calls for his resignation grew across the political spectrum and among cultural groups.

Crowe back-tracked and now claims: "I want to warn groups who oppose ethnic minorities that I will take legal action against using my name to support their warped thinking."

So that's telling the British Nazi Party and unionist councillors opposing the mosque.

Marching order

RIR SOLDIERS want to wear their uniforms to a parade from Clogher Barracks to a local church for a UDR commemoration.

The Ministry of Defence has said no "for security reasons" although RIR/UDR members think it's because of political sensitivities about showing up the links between the RIR and its notorious UDR forerunner.

Either way, there's mutiny in the ranks over the order to wear civilian clothes instead.

"We can't remember our fallen comrades in a military fashion," one said, "but the IRA can parade in Tyrone whenever it wants".

Herald hypocrisy

DUBLIN'S Evening Herald was so outraged last week that some opponents of the bin tax are entitled to waivers that its front-page headline pilloried the campaigners for their alleged "hypocrisy".

This is from a paper that regularly bemoans the lack of public involvement in politics and local issues. Surely citizens risking jail for fighting a tax that hurts others but not themselves is a principled stand that should be hailed rather than vilified?

The Evening Herald is part of the right-wing media empire owned by the unelected power broker and millionaire knight of the British realm, bean baron Dr Tony O'Reilly.

For fax sake

WELSH AND SCOTS rugby fans loyal to the British queen have another reason to rethink their allegiances after Mrs Windsor's latest snub to her would-be subjects in the Celtic countries.

England, Wales and Scotland are battling it out in Australia for the Rugby World Cup. Should one of them come anywhere near doing well, it will be hailed by the empire loyalists as a victory for a 'British' team.

So why, then, did Queenie send a good luck fax to only one of the teams flying her flag? No, not Scotland or Wales, just England, of course.