The 5th Column

Poseur on parade

TV ANORAKS who miss the knockabout, gung-ho, shoot 'em up antics of the A-Team's cigar-chomping George Peppard will be heartened to know that his RIR Colonel Tim Collins will be appearing near you soon.

No doubt still wearing his RayBans and a bullet-proof dinner jacket, the former O/C of 1 RIR poseur is scheduled to address England's world-famous Oxford Union debating society on 21 October.

Collins grabbed the Gulf War 2 headlines with an incredibly deep, thoughtful and rousing speech to his gunmen before they went out to blitz the demoralised and weakened Iraqis in true blue British imperialist style. His speech was hailed by Fleet Street for its humanity, historical resonances and alleged spontaneity ('Here's one I prepared earlier'). But it all went a bit off-track when Collins was reported for ill-treating Iraqi prisoners. No problem really, though, because an inquiry cleared him of all charges - the fact that it was an inquiry carried out by his hero-worshipping chums in the Officers' Mess should in no way be seen as a reflection on the verdict.

Now Tim Shady is popping up at the Oxford Union to parade his ego and flash his medals, but why has he invoked the debating society's 'Chatham Rules' to bar the media? Is he afraid of friendly fire from adoring hacks? Or maybe he's worried about being mortally wounded by precision questioning about his role in the Guff War.

Roaring Hanna's 'no comment'

EVERYONE LOVES a good headline, and no one more so that the SDLP's former Employment and Learning Minister, South Belfast Assembly member Carmel Hanna.

Headline hunting at Queen's University Fresher's Day, Hanna made a beeline for the Ógra Shinn Féin stall and lighted upon displays featuring the 'Spirit of Freedom' badge, picturing the lark and an Armalite from the writings of Bobby Sands, and a badge with 'Tiocfaidh ar Lá' on an Armalite background. Determined to be outraged, Hanna spluttered:

"I think it is deplorable that Sinn Féin peddle this kind of rubbish. What sort of mixed message is Sinn Féin sending out at a time when we are all trying to free ourselves from the negative legacies of the past?"

ALL of us, Carmel?

'Roaring Hanna' and the SDLP, though, seemed to have no objections to the presence of the stand offering actual paramilitary training - the British Army officer cadets' bandwagon for the SAS, Paras, UDR/RIR, et al - without so much as a whimper, let alone a strongly worded condemnation.

SDLP's falling fringe

DID YOU SEE the BBC Hearts & Minds film footage of the SDLP fringe meeting at last week's British Labour Party conference in Bournemouth?

In contrast to the Sinn Féin meetings, the gloom in the room was only lifted by the sight of one burly member of the very sparsely populated audience, arms folded and obliviously in a deep sleep and in danger of falling off the edge of his chair.

Sound man.

Blair's bluster

TONY BLAIR'S SPEECH to the British Labour Party conference made much of his government's aid to the Third World and lambasted the "murky world of weapons of mass destruction".

It's a pity for 'Honest Tone' that a US congressional report, Conventional Arms Transfers to Developing Nations, 1995-2002, has coincidentally just been published, revealing that Britain under Tony Blair has overtaken the United States as the biggest supplier of arms to Third World countries, with total weapons sales to developing nations of £2 billion in 2002. At times, British arms sales under Labour have been greater than under the last Conservative government.

Underlining just how significant Third World arms exports are to Britain and the USA, the report says: "Developing nations continue to be the primary focus of foreign arms sales activity by weapons suppliers."

As the Labour anthem goes: "Things can only get better."

Rock on, Tommy

TOMMY BROUGHAN TD is a chip off what little remains of the 'Old Labour' Party bloc. Sporting a '60s rocker, Trogg-like hairstyle and representing the area that spawned Roddy Doyle's Commitments, he has a reputation for plain talking among Labour's fancy pants leadership. His contribution to Tuesday's Leinster House debate on 'Dumping at Sea' made Sinn Féin's band of TDs prick up their ears.

Tommy cited the Beaufort Dyke, off the coast of Donegal, used by Britain's Ministry of Defence in the 1950s and 1960s as a dump for chemicals and munitions. But instead of accusing the Brits of dumping "old munitions", Tommy claimed they had been using Ireland for dumping "old musicians". Or maybe he did mean to say that old musicians contain more hazardous chemicals.

Off his rocker

DUP GOSPEL pop idol Paul Berry, the musical Assembly member from Tandragee, penned a thorny missive to the Portadown Times complaining that the GAA "names trophies after republican activists, Sam Maguire being the most relevant example".

'Rocking Berry' thundered: "This is not the activity of an organisation trying to be more acceptable to Protestants."

Sam Maguire was a Protestant.